The Year Old Notebook

Just a short one guys :)
Didn’t know what to call this, but I found a notebook full of poems from about year ago and decided to share this one. Most of the poems I feel are still too personal to share, but I don’t really think this one is still relevant to me. Hopefully in the future I’ll feel comfortable enough to share more :)

I’m drowning.
Trying to wade through
The words we left unsaid
And yet I’m sinking faster than ever
The mound grows as
Mumbled words and awkward silences
Rain upon us.

I’m stuck.
Trying to locate
the exact moment I broke away from
my logical thoughts
Though it seems I’m not the only one
As a vast scribble of intangible thoughts
Sit between us.

I’m lost.
Trying to find a way
Out of this mess we’ve made
Your kind words tamper with the
Compass in my mind
Scrambling my senses until
I can’t breathe.

I’m drowning-
I’m stuck-
I’m lost-
Trying to wade through-
Trying to find a way-
Trying to locate-
Where.
It.
All.
Went.
Wrong.

Life After Death

A post just for Tilly, who can stop worrying because I’ve finally updated ;)

Something I’ve always wondered about, is what happens to the ones we leave behind when we die. I’m fortunate enough to say that I’ve never lost anyone I was particularly close to. Recently my aunt passed away, but I never met her. I did see my mother grieve, however, and how it affected her.

She didn’t eat, or sleep; or even talk. She lost a small patch of her hair to stress, and she was constantly cleaning, just for something to do.
My mum and her sister had never really gotten on. But once my aunt was gone, my mum’s perspective of things changed. She was still my mum’s sister- she loved her, she lost her, and she missed her.

So now, while I’m sat at home feeling sorry for myself, (chest infection, very painful), I’m wondering what would happen if I died.

No, really.

If I died right now, how would you feel? I mean, some of you might feel that it was a shame and move on to the next blog post; which is to be expected as almost none of you know me personally.
To the people that do know me:

Would you be shocked at the news?
Would you believe it?
Would you care?
Would you miss me?
Would you cry?
Would you have any regrets?
Would you have anything you wish you’d said to me?
Would you go to my funeral?

It’s morbid to think about, but the point is that it’s good to think about things like this. Because if you doubt the answers that you’re given, you get to see who really cares about you.

So if you’re reading this, I ask you to think about it. If I died tomorrow, what would you say to me today?
Is there anything that you’d like to get cleared up- whether it’s an argument we swept under the rug or I owe you a chocolate bar- but never really felt like it was the right time?
Because now I’m asking. Now is the right time to do so.

None of us know how much time we have, so don’t put off things you want to say or do- or you might find that your life will end before you get a chance to say/do them.

Nobody should die with regrets.

We only have one chance to live this life, so do everything in your power to make yourself happy.

Surround yourself with people that make you happy- and if they don’t make you happy, then cast all ties with them away. You don’t owe anybody anything.
Do things that make you happy, and don’t worry about things that don’t. That subject you hate and plan to do nothing with in the future? Don’t stress about exams, they will literally never come up again in your lifetime.

So I beg you, anything you’ve been holding in, let it out. Bottling up emotions will only make things worse.
But most importantly?

Be happy while you can :)

Pillars

Um, so the moral of this is- if you need more support, spread your weight. I’m not too proud of this one, but I’ve been feeling really uninspired lately, and I know that Tilly would kill me if I didn’t upload.

Once, as I was passing by,
I saw two pillars side by side.
Standing tall, of stone
Not swaying in the gentle breeze.
Supporting a manor
lifting it to the sky.

Time passed,
and I checked on the pillars less and
less.
They seemed fine.
Standing tall, of stone
Not swaying in the gentle breeze.

What I did not see however,
was the weight they bore
Growing and growing.
The manor expanded,
and yet they added no more
support pillars.

The same two
standing tall, of stone
indifferent to the gentle breeze.
until, the next time I passed
I looked closely,
and saw a crack.

I took photos whenever I could,
of these two pillars,
standing tall, of stone
battered by the gentle breeze
attempting to hide the cracks
that dared to show

All at once, they collapsed into each other
almost in synchronicity.
Leaning on each other,
Relying on the strength of the other
to keep themselves
upright

I wondered which
Would crumble and fall first,
leaving the other to
come tumbling after
Which would be stronger
than the other?

But the truth is,
as weak as the pillars were,
leaning over, of moss and ivy
they held each other up
until they could bear no more

Now, as I’m standing in ruins,
I look at the photos I took, many eras ago.
It seems that my photos told a story.
Two pillars, Once
Standing tall, of stone,
Now nothing but a fine powder.

Still, the manor stands, intact.
the owners seemingly unaware of
the crushed pillars
standing no more, of dust
But will it ever be as magnificent
as the pillars that once bore its weight?

Christmas, New Years, and Last Chances

Normally at this time of year, it doesn’t really feel like Christmas. My family doesn’t really do the normal traditions, we make our own: going to the Christmas market and mingling with (okay, so I mean mocking) the ridiculously posh people, waking up to a box of maltesers at the end of my bed on Christmas morning, eating satsumas and saving the peel for my mum’s famous Christmas fruit cake. At this time of year, we don’t have Christmas decorations up, or presents under the tree, or cruddy music on the TV.

But this year, this year is different. We have a beautiful tree in the corner of the room, all strung up with tinsel, blue fairy lights, and even candy canes! We have the presents snuggled neatly underneath, we have warm jumpers and gingerbread. It’s seriously awesome.

And yet, despite all of this… I’m sad.

As happy as I am with Christmas this year, I’ve never felt so far from my friends before. I miss them so much, and it hasn’t even been a week since I last saw them.

I guess it just feels weird, y’know?

It’s like, New Years is coming, and with it being the end of the year, it feels  like a last chance- one that I’m missing out on. It just kind of feels like, if I’m not there at New Years, I’m gonna lose something I love… Does that make any sense whatsoever?

I don’t know, I guess I’m just sentimental at this time of year.

merry Christmas guys xx

Trust Fall Attack

So this is a thing that I did, an old thing that I did that is suddenly really relevant to me.

Trust Fall Attack.

There’s this thing
called a trust fall
but the name is
deceptive

You’re expected
to let yourself       | | |
.                              | | |
.                            | | |
.                              | | |
.                            drop

into the arms of a
stranger.

it’s called “team building”
But is it really?
expecting someone to
catch

you. don’t you find it weird?
someone you don’t even know
trying to stop you from
falling

It’s worse with a friend
no matter how
much you trust
them

There will always be
that one moment
when you feel yourself
slipping

backwards, and you think
that they won’t catch you
so you take a step
back

more often than not
you will step on their foot
and you hear them say
Ow.

knowing that
you’ve hurt them
and they think you don’t
trust

them. No-one can change
this. Don’t even try
but if someone asks
you

to play trust fall
tell them no, and
then the problem is
avoided.

——————-

try to read this
as a metaphor.
so who can you
trust?

Just Friends.

Hey guys, kind of a serious post today.

I’m sitting in history, but I can’t concentrate. Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of hate from people in my year group.
Why?

Because my best friend is a guy.

We’ve always been pretty close, and recently we’ve been closer than ever- but our friendship has never been anything more than platonic and I am 99.999999% sure it’ll never be. I don’t know why I’m even making this post, it’s not anyone else’s business- but the jokes won’t stop and I can’t take it anymore.

I mean, what do you want me to do? Stop speaking to him? Because as much as I hate to say it, I tried that; I thought that if I got my distance, then people would leave us both alone and he’d be happier.
But no, the comments kept coming and we both ended up getting even more upset.  I don’t know what other option I have. I can’t take the comments anymore.
I’m sick of being called a slut and a skank, and I’m constantly paranoid that his girlfriend-who also happens to be my friend- hates me because of it. I would never ever do anything to hurt either of them, I love them both so much; I would never want to hurt them, and I feel sick just knowing that people think that I would.
I haven’t slept in days, and I’m pretty sure my mum thinks I have an eating disorder because I’ve lost my appetite.

Please, I just want it to stop.
I don’t think I can take much more.

Christmas is coming… RUN!

Today I’m in a strange mood. Autumn is over in less than a week, and I hate this time of year. I just don’t like winter in general, and I often get moaned at by my friends for disliking…wait for it…

Christmas.

Wow, I can actually feel the judgement.

But it’s not that I don’t like Christmas, I just don’t like what it stands for. For most people, Christmas is a time of excitement; but for me it means the end of Autumn. Most people who know me assume that my favourite time of year is Summer, because I’m a huge one for procrastinating, and Summer’s a time when you don’t really have to worry about getting anything done. But those who really know me know that Autumn is the time where I’m my happiest. Let me explain why.

Recently I was diagnosed with anxiety, which isn’t really a surprise when you think about how many times I freak out over trivial things. Part of that anxiety is change; I hate change, I hate it so much. I’m almost at the end of year 11 at school, and I am so scared. I’m not even scared of exams, not that much- but I am terrified of the thought of saying goodbye to my friends. I can’t do it, I just can’t. I love them too much.

But anyway…

For me, Autumn has always been a time where change is okay, change can be good. Autumn is the time when leaves are turning gorgeous shades of beautiful colours. Autumn is the time where conkers are raining upon the ground, just waiting to burst open. Autumn is the time of fireworks and bonfires; friendship and love. Autumn is the time when my favourite animals (Foxes, hedgehogs and owls) start showing their faces early in the morning or late at night. Autumn is the time where I can change who I am and be okay with it, I can say what I feel and I won’t suddenly burst into flames. It sounds a little extreme, but such is life when you live inside my head.

For other people, the time of change comes at New Year’s. But for me, New Year’s is just the time where the trial period for the new me ends. If I don’t like the new me, I revert back to the old me. If I like the new me, she stays.

For other people, Christmas is the time when your families come together and be happy together- so why can’t I see that?

Why is it, that when Christmas starts showing its face in October (No really, the 20th of October was the day I saw the first Christmas film of the year appear on TV- before Hallowe’en for Christ’s sake) I want to just push it back and say that it’s not allowed near me until the end of November?
Why is it that when I see Christmas adverts on TV (looking at you John Lewis) I just have this urge to roll my eyes and turn the TV over? Why is it that while others are looking in shops to find the perfect presents for their loved ones, all I see are shop owners exploiting them by doubling the price as soon as Santa looms over everyone’s heads?
Why is it that I never believed in Santa, even as a kid?
Why is it that while everyone is glowing and talking about how “magical” Christmas time is, I just feel flat?

Why am I so god-damn cynical that I can’t enjoy a holiday?

Anyway, I just wanted to attempt to explain why I don’t like Christmas and I just kinda got mad at myself… Sorry if I brought down your mood, that’s totally my bad! :/

Love and cookies, Kiki xx :3

Battle With Myself: Part 2

Hey guys! I know I have a new blog for serious stuff, but I thought I would finished this mini series first :) (one more part to go)

So… here is part two!
Part 1: https://kikiwantshercookie.wordpress.com/2014/10/04/a-battle-with-myself-part-1/
Also shout-out to Jammie who is sat next to me and reading this right now xD

As my transport drags me down my destined path,
I apply the war paint of my people,
A base to cover any signs of previous combat
And then lips the colour of blood

The tactics are simple,
Camouflage is necessary, blend in,
Take whatever risks you must to ensure that
You are exactly the same.

It’s stupid, but it works.
The casualties are limited as you gain experience,
And your brain has become numb as it deals with pain;
One can only pray for the new recruits.

They don’t yet know the evils of this daily conflict,
Shipped in from a land where
Troubles are resolved in a second
And your enemies keep at a distance.

But here your friend and foe can merge,
Hiding seamlessly among one another like your conscience and the devil,
For how can we tell them apart when we wear the same uniform
And take orders from the same commanders?

I know now that this is a civil war,
Although civil does not best describe
The torture and suffering some cause.
I thought we were fighting this beast together.

Clearly it is every man for himself,
And now you and I fight tooth and nail
Because apparently we can’t both survive
This journey unscathed.