Okay, okay. This is it this time. The number of drafts I’ve written and scrapped is unreal. This time I’m writing it by hand first so I can’t delete it on a whim. The irony of struggling to write a blog post about why there will be no more blog posts isn’t lost on me, don’t worry.
I’ve had this particular blog for 5 years (almost 6!) now, since I was 14 years old. This year I’m going to be 20. Before that, I had a different one on a different platform for 3 years. The first one, I deleted all trace of it; I’d written it like a diary but wasn’t careful enough, so needless to say, there was some bullying. This one… Well, it’s a little more complicated.
I was not in a good place when I started writing this blog. I tried to pretend I was, but it was clear within a couple of posts that that wasn’t the case? It felt like I was getting trouble from all angles; the truth is, I was so wrapped up in my home life that every little thing felt like a huge weight. I had health issues – dear god, so many health issues – that were all working together to make my life hell. I was diagnosed with Anxiety at the age of 9 but was considered too young for medicated until years and years later. I was developing what has since been diagnosed as Chronic Migraines & Cluster Headaches on the NHS Most Painful Conditions List) and I think it would come as no shock to anyone to hear I was depressed.
A couple of months ago I had a bit of a heart to heart with one of my old secondary school friends and he confirmed what I already knew – they hated me. He put emphasis on the past tense, saying that there was this long period of time where he disliked me, but didn’t have a reason why, other than ‘because everyone else did’. It was a vicious cycle, because I knew I wasn’t wanted so got increasingly sensitive, and the more sensitive I got, the less they wanted me. Since leaving college, a couple of my old friends have reached out, and while I appreciate how nice it is of them, I’m not sure we can get past everything that happened.
Another thing he mentioned was that they all thought I was self-centered in the last year of secondary – which is fair enough, because I was. But what what I need people to understand is, I grew up being told not to talk about my home life; it was private and so help me if I ‘aired our dirty laundry to the world’. I literally could not vocalise what I was feeling and why, so I had no support network. The only one looking out for me was me, so yeah, my world did revolve around me. I was so terrified that wall I had built would break that I just pulled away from everyone and lied about being okay. Even now, I struggle to talk about it. I explained this to him (and cried, whoops) and it was almost like I could see his perspective change. I’m glad we talked, I’ve missed him. I miss all of them at one point or another, but that’s life.
I am not the person I was back then. Everything about me has changed. Since I started the blog, I have come out as asexual, and later, biromantic- but I never felt comfortable enough to talk about it on here. I’d like to think old me would be proud, but the truth is, she’d hate me. I became everything the old me resented, and nothing could make me happier than that. This change has taken a long time, and over that time, I’ve tried to change what I write about. But it just got harder and harder to write a post I was happy with. Writing personal things was a huge no no, given that I was aware of who was reading, and I didn’t feel comfortable broadcasting this kind of thing to them anymore. My audience had faces, and they weren’t particularly friendly ones. On the other hand, I didn’t want to write about my friends and happier experiences, because it felt like being next to the bad memories would taint them somehow. So, what did that leave me? Well, leaving.
I have another blog, it’s not like I’m giving up on writing. How can I, when it’s my career choice? I love it. I’m just giving my writing the fresh start I gave myself two years ago. Needless to say, it has a better name than ‘KikiWantsHerCookie’.
At the end of the day, my life can be difficult sometimes, but I love it, and I don’t want to miss out on documenting the good times because of old baggage.
See ya later pals,