“What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in life?”

Recently I discovered that someone I cared about had passed away. Life is really bloody short. He didn’t even get to become an adult, and it’s not fair, it’s really really not fair.

So you take that person you love and you treat them like god damned royalty, you hear me? You might be angry at them, or upset with them, or hurt by them, but in hindsight, does any of it really matter? You are so lucky to have them, and one day you might not, so be thankful for every precious second you have with them. Take every smile, and laugh, and tear, and angry word you can lay your hands on and cherish every single one like it’s your last. Because one day you can’t get any more, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Poof, gone. That’s life. I understand it now, and Jesus Christ I wish I didn’t.

Shaun, you didn’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve to be unhappy, you didn’t deserve for your life to bee so short.
I won’t forget, okay?
I promise.
I promise I won’t forget the way you treated my brother and I exactly the same way you treated Hayden and Lewis; or the way you protected me like a little sister; or sneaked food from the kitchen for Lewis and I when I stayed for dinner. I won’t forget the way you showed me how to climb trees; or how you taught me how to abseil after I was too scared to do it at Calshot; or how you made me face my fears because otherwise “life wasn’t any fun”. I won’t forget the time you cleaned up my elbow when I fell in the playground; or when we made you get your face painted at the petting zoo and you came back with camouflage paint; or the days out to Intech when you taught Lewis and I about gravity and suction and tornadoes and  photosynthesis.
I was always a tiny bit afraid of you, if I’m honest. You did things the second the idea came into your head, and you never waited around. You had confidence and bravery, and that terrified me. You were the living embodiment of a “glint in the eye”. When you jumped from one tree branch to another one well over four feet away and somehow manage to land it, or build a conservatory for your house “just because”, or swung upside down from the opening of your attic to make us jump- you were always doing things and not just saying them, and I was always in awe.
I think my favourite memories of you will always be the journeys to Intech in my dad’s burgundy seven-seater. It was the only thing that really belonged to us, the family car. There was always my dad and your mum in the front, then it alternated between you, Keelan and Hayden in the normal seats with Lewis and me in the back; or you, me and Lewis in the normal seats and Hayden and Keelan in the back. That was the thing about you. Even though we all wanted to sit in the “super awesome secret” back seats, you always sat in the middle and never caused a fuss. You were literally ‘The Middle Kid’. Hayden was in Keelan’s year, Lewis was in my year, and you were in the year between. But, see, you were never the odd one out. Most kids like that would be on their own, but you managed to be both mine and Keelan’s friend. I have so much respect for you for that. You never picked one or the other, you always treated us both equally.
But anyway.
We would always go to Intech in the summer holidays. There was no question about it. “Intech With The Howcrofts” became a yearly event and I loved it. So much. We had ice poles on the journey over; the blue ones to make our tongues change colour. D’you remember that time Hayden asked if you could eat plastic and we all tried to eat the ice pole wrappers? We were so stupid… but we were kids. Happy kids, too.
What went wrong?
We would get to Intech and clamber out of the car, whooping and screaming. Then we all climbed up onto the car roof and dangled our legs in front of the windshield while our parents paid for the parking. Looking back now, I don’t see how all five of us fit up there; if I remember rightly, I sat on Keelan’s lap and Lew sat on Hayden’s, with you in the middle (see my point?).
I’m never going to have the chance to go to Intech with the Howcroft trio again.
There are so many memories formulating in my mind right now, and they have been since I found out. But while trying to write this post, I realised that I didn’t want to talk about them anymore. I don’t want them to be written in words; Words could never give the feelings and the sensations and the friendship justice. I want them to stay preserved inside my head until my turn comes. Because it’s not right. It’s not right that our memories should stay after we do. I used to want to make a mark on the Earth and be remembered, but now I’m not so sure.
People like Shakespeare and Socrates and Da Vinci- we say we remember them but we don’t. We don’t remember them at all. We never saw their work, or told them to keep going when they were giving up. We appreciate them, sure, but they are not remembered. There’s no-one left to remember them. You see, when people die, they don’t just become dust in the Earth. They become legends, fables, stories of adventures and life lessons to be learned.
And that’s okay.
I miss you, Shaun. I promise I won’t forget.
Your ol’ Buddy,
Khiana x

I Couldn’t think of a Pun for the title…I’ll do better next time.


*standing ovation*

Originally posted on Ramblings of a Smillie:

So, there’s become quite the explosion of YouTubers writing books, lately. Two of the most recent ones being the likes of Connor Franta and Carrie Hope Fletcher, as well as some more well known names like Grace Helbig and Zoella (Zoe Sugg) and Pointless Blog (Alfie Deyes). Personally, I don’t see why a lot of people are getting their knickers in a twist about it.

Okay, these young people are writing books. What’s wrong with strong, independent, inspirational people who are in the public eye, or have a large number or people who look up to them, writing something that gives younger people something they can read and learn something? It’s not the end of the world BUT many people seem extremely unhappy because they can’t see how any of these “YouTubers” have “lived”.

If you’ve wanted ANY of the videos any of the people previously mentioned, you’d see some…

View original 23 more words

The Year Old Notebook

Just a short one guys :)
Didn’t know what to call this, but I found a notebook full of poems from about year ago and decided to share this one. Most of the poems I feel are still too personal to share, but I don’t really think this one is still relevant to me. Hopefully in the future I’ll feel comfortable enough to share more :)

I’m drowning.
Trying to wade through
The words we left unsaid
And yet I’m sinking faster than ever
The mound grows as
Mumbled words and awkward silences
Rain upon us.

I’m stuck.
Trying to locate
the exact moment I broke away from
my logical thoughts
Though it seems I’m not the only one
As a vast scribble of intangible thoughts
Sit between us.

I’m lost.
Trying to find a way
Out of this mess we’ve made
Your kind words tamper with the
Compass in my mind
Scrambling my senses until
I can’t breathe.

I’m drowning-
I’m stuck-
I’m lost-
Trying to wade through-
Trying to find a way-
Trying to locate-

Life After Death

A post just for Tilly, who can stop worrying because I’ve finally updated ;)

Something I’ve always wondered about, is what happens to the ones we leave behind when we die. I’m fortunate enough to say that I’ve never lost anyone I was particularly close to. Recently my aunt passed away, but I never met her. I did see my mother grieve, however, and how it affected her.

She didn’t eat, or sleep; or even talk. She lost a small patch of her hair to stress, and she was constantly cleaning, just for something to do.
My mum and her sister had never really gotten on. But once my aunt was gone, my mum’s perspective of things changed. She was still my mum’s sister- she loved her, she lost her, and she missed her.

So now, while I’m sat at home feeling sorry for myself, (chest infection, very painful), I’m wondering what would happen if I died.

No, really.

If I died right now, how would you feel? I mean, some of you might feel that it was a shame and move on to the next blog post; which is to be expected as almost none of you know me personally.
To the people that do know me:

Would you be shocked at the news?
Would you believe it?
Would you care?
Would you miss me?
Would you cry?
Would you have any regrets?
Would you have anything you wish you’d said to me?
Would you go to my funeral?

It’s morbid to think about, but the point is that it’s good to think about things like this. Because if you doubt the answers that you’re given, you get to see who really cares about you.

So if you’re reading this, I ask you to think about it. If I died tomorrow, what would you say to me today?
Is there anything that you’d like to get cleared up- whether it’s an argument we swept under the rug or I owe you a chocolate bar- but never really felt like it was the right time?
Because now I’m asking. Now is the right time to do so.

None of us know how much time we have, so don’t put off things you want to say or do- or you might find that your life will end before you get a chance to say/do them.

Nobody should die with regrets.

We only have one chance to live this life, so do everything in your power to make yourself happy.

Surround yourself with people that make you happy- and if they don’t make you happy, then cast all ties with them away. You don’t owe anybody anything.
Do things that make you happy, and don’t worry about things that don’t. That subject you hate and plan to do nothing with in the future? Don’t stress about exams, they will literally never come up again in your lifetime.

So I beg you, anything you’ve been holding in, let it out. Bottling up emotions will only make things worse.
But most importantly?

Be happy while you can :)


Um, so the moral of this is- if you need more support, spread your weight. I’m not too proud of this one, but I’ve been feeling really uninspired lately, and I know that Tilly would kill me if I didn’t upload.

Once, as I was passing by,
I saw two pillars side by side.
Standing tall, of stone
Not swaying in the gentle breeze.
Supporting a manor
lifting it to the sky.

Time passed,
and I checked on the pillars less and
They seemed fine.
Standing tall, of stone
Not swaying in the gentle breeze.

What I did not see however,
was the weight they bore
Growing and growing.
The manor expanded,
and yet they added no more
support pillars.

The same two
standing tall, of stone
indifferent to the gentle breeze.
until, the next time I passed
I looked closely,
and saw a crack.

I took photos whenever I could,
of these two pillars,
standing tall, of stone
battered by the gentle breeze
attempting to hide the cracks
that dared to show

All at once, they collapsed into each other
almost in synchronicity.
Leaning on each other,
Relying on the strength of the other
to keep themselves

I wondered which
Would crumble and fall first,
leaving the other to
come tumbling after
Which would be stronger
than the other?

But the truth is,
as weak as the pillars were,
leaning over, of moss and ivy
they held each other up
until they could bear no more

Now, as I’m standing in ruins,
I look at the photos I took, many eras ago.
It seems that my photos told a story.
Two pillars, Once
Standing tall, of stone,
Now nothing but a fine powder.

Still, the manor stands, intact.
the owners seemingly unaware of
the crushed pillars
standing no more, of dust
But will it ever be as magnificent
as the pillars that once bore its weight?

Christmas, New Years, and Last Chances

Normally at this time of year, it doesn’t really feel like Christmas. My family doesn’t really do the normal traditions, we make our own: going to the Christmas market and mingling with (okay, so I mean mocking) the ridiculously posh people, waking up to a box of maltesers at the end of my bed on Christmas morning, eating satsumas and saving the peel for my mum’s famous Christmas fruit cake. At this time of year, we don’t have Christmas decorations up, or presents under the tree, or cruddy music on the TV.

But this year, this year is different. We have a beautiful tree in the corner of the room, all strung up with tinsel, blue fairy lights, and even candy canes! We have the presents snuggled neatly underneath, we have warm jumpers and gingerbread. It’s seriously awesome.

And yet, despite all of this… I’m sad.

As happy as I am with Christmas this year, I’ve never felt so far from my friends before. I miss them so much, and it hasn’t even been a week since I last saw them.

I guess it just feels weird, y’know?

It’s like, New Years is coming, and with it being the end of the year, it feels  like a last chance- one that I’m missing out on. It just kind of feels like, if I’m not there at New Years, I’m gonna lose something I love… Does that make any sense whatsoever?

I don’t know, I guess I’m just sentimental at this time of year.

merry Christmas guys xx

Trust Fall Attack

So this is a thing that I did, an old thing that I did that is suddenly really relevant to me.

Trust Fall Attack.

There’s this thing
called a trust fall
but the name is

You’re expected
to let yourself       | | |
.                              | | |
.                            | | |
.                              | | |
.                            drop

into the arms of a

it’s called “team building”
But is it really?
expecting someone to

you. don’t you find it weird?
someone you don’t even know
trying to stop you from

It’s worse with a friend
no matter how
much you trust

There will always be
that one moment
when you feel yourself

backwards, and you think
that they won’t catch you
so you take a step

more often than not
you will step on their foot
and you hear them say

knowing that
you’ve hurt them
and they think you don’t

them. No-one can change
this. Don’t even try
but if someone asks

to play trust fall
tell them no, and
then the problem is


try to read this
as a metaphor.
so who can you

Just Friends.

Hey guys, kind of a serious post today.

I’m sitting in history, but I can’t concentrate. Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of hate from people in my year group.

Because my best friend is a guy.

We’ve always been pretty close, and recently we’ve been closer than ever- but our friendship has never been anything more than platonic and I am 99.999999% sure it’ll never be. I don’t know why I’m even making this post, it’s not anyone else’s business- but the jokes won’t stop and I can’t take it anymore.

I mean, what do you want me to do? Stop speaking to him? Because as much as I hate to say it, I tried that; I thought that if I got my distance, then people would leave us both alone and he’d be happier.
But no, the comments kept coming and we both ended up getting even more upset.  I don’t know what other option I have. I can’t take the comments anymore.
I’m sick of being called a slut and a skank, and I’m constantly paranoid that his girlfriend-who also happens to be my friend- hates me because of it. I would never ever do anything to hurt either of them, I love them both so much; I would never want to hurt them, and I feel sick just knowing that people think that I would.
I haven’t slept in days, and I’m pretty sure my mum thinks I have an eating disorder because I’ve lost my appetite.

Please, I just want it to stop.
I don’t think I can take much more.