Tying Up Loose Ends

Okay, okay. This is it this time. The number of drafts I’ve written and scrapped is unreal. This time I’m writing it by hand first so I can’t delete it on a whim. The irony of struggling to write a blog post about why there will be no more blog posts isn’t lost on me, don’t worry.

I’ve had this particular blog for 5 years (almost 6!) now, since I was 14 years old. This year I’m going to be 20. Before that, I had a different one on a different platform for 3 years. The first one, I deleted all trace of it; I’d written it like a diary but wasn’t careful enough, so needless to say, there was some bullying. This one… Well, it’s a little more complicated.

I was not in a good place when I started writing this blog. I tried to pretend I was, but it was clear within a couple of posts that that wasn’t the case? It felt like I was getting trouble from all angles; the truth is, I was so wrapped up in my home life that every little thing felt like a huge weight. I had health issues – dear god, so many health issues – that were all working together to make my life hell. I was diagnosed with Anxiety at the age of 9 but was considered too young for medicated until years and years later. I was developing what has since been diagnosed as Chronic Migraines & Cluster Headaches on the NHS Most Painful Conditions List) and I think it would come as no shock to anyone to hear I was depressed. 

A couple of months ago I had a bit of a heart to heart with one of my old secondary school friends and he confirmed what I already knew – they hated me. He put emphasis on the past tense, saying that there was this long period of time where he disliked me, but didn’t have a reason why, other than ‘because everyone else did’. It was a vicious cycle, because I knew I wasn’t wanted so got increasingly sensitive, and the more sensitive I got, the less they wanted me. Since leaving college, a couple of my old friends have reached out, and while I appreciate how nice it is of them, I’m not sure we can get past everything that happened.

Another thing he mentioned was that they all thought I was self-centered in the last year of secondary – which is fair enough, because I was. But what what I need people to understand is, I grew up being told not to talk about my home life; it was private and so help me if I ‘aired our dirty laundry to the world’. I literally could not vocalise what I was feeling and why, so I had no support network. The only one looking out for me was me, so yeah, my world did revolve around me. I was so terrified that wall I had built would break that I just pulled away from everyone and lied about being okay. Even now, I struggle to talk about it. I explained this to him (and cried, whoops) and it was almost like I could see his perspective change. I’m glad we talked, I’ve missed him. I miss all of them at one point or another, but that’s life.

I am not the person I was back then. Everything about me has changed. Since I started the blog, I have come out as asexual, and later, biromantic- but I never felt comfortable enough to talk about it on here. I’d like to think old me would be proud, but the truth is, she’d hate me. I became everything the old me resented, and nothing could make me happier than that. This change has taken a long time, and over that time, I’ve tried to change what I write about. But it just got harder and harder to write a post I was happy with. Writing personal things was a huge no no, given that I was aware of who was reading, and I didn’t feel comfortable broadcasting this kind of thing to them anymore. My audience had faces, and they weren’t particularly friendly ones. On the other hand, I didn’t want to write about my friends and happier experiences, because it felt like being next to the bad memories would taint them somehow. So, what did that leave me? Well, leaving.

I have another blog, it’s not like I’m giving up on writing. How can I, when it’s my career choice? I love it. I’m just giving my writing the fresh start I gave myself two years ago. Needless to say, it has a better name than ‘KikiWantsHerCookie’. 

At the end of the day, my life can be difficult sometimes, but I love it, and I don’t want to miss out on documenting the good times because of old baggage.

See ya later pals,

Kit x

Hey Alex #3- Lazy Days

RE: This Post

Hey Alex!

First thing’s first- I’ll answer your questions.

1) Do I take up too much of your time/do you find this a chore, as we can stop?
No, you silly moose, you don’t take up too much of my time. This was my idea in the first place, I don’t find it a chore. It’s okay if you don’t want to continue, it was just meant to be for if you were bored and needed something to do so you don’t float around Varley for an hour.
2) What do you miss most about college?
Besides you guys? Honestly, the food. I would kill for a chocolate flapjack and an Oreo milkshake right now. I never did use those birthday coupons you and Heather made. 
3)  Recommend me something? (Anything)
BookBub!  It’s a website that lets you know when ebooks are for sale/free based on the genres you choose. I use it for google books but it also has ones for kindle etc. I believe they also have textbooks on there, you should definitely check it out!
4) How do I do the “Reply to this post” thing???
This is hella easy. All you have to do is:

• Write out the text you want to display, e.g. “This Post”
• Highlight it
• Click on ‘insert/edit link’ (The chain button)
• Enter the URL you want to use
• Click ‘Open in a New Tab/Window’ (It’s a pain in the ass for reading otherwise)
• Click on Add Link
• Highlight text again
• Click on Align Right

I’m glad you had a good day! I’m not surprised Rubes ignored you for a dog, I mean 1) It’s Ruby, and 2) DOG! Congratulations on your Evensong invitation, it’s obviously something to be proud of, even if you’re not religious. I was shocked to hear Lewis’ shirt got ripped, he’s normally ridiculously careful when it comes to clothes (At least he should be with the amount of money he spends on them bless him).

D’you know which university offer you want to accept? I got all of my offers a couple of weeks back but since you have to submit evidence of your grades by the end of August and I’m restarting the year, I suppose I shall have to reapply. At least I know I can get the offers though, that’ll relieve some of the pressure.

I’m sorry, I can’t find the name of that SoundCloud first listen website/app anywhere. I know it exists because I used to use it, perhaps it got shut down?  If I find it I’ll pop you a message.

I’m not sure yet but I might be floating around in Winchester next week as I’ve run out of medication and need to book a follow up appointment. I probably won’t be able to go into college grounds, though. I have an awful headache today, along with knowing that my mum and my brother are at Auntie Ann’s funeral today (Uncle David thought I was too young to go) when there’s been so many family feuds is setting me on edge. Time for some Supernatural, methinks. When I finish SPN and TWD, are there any shows/films you think I should watch? I’m currently writing out a list so I can keep track of all the seasons of the shows I’ve watched. Or any books you think I should read while I’m at the library?

The real question is- can I be bothered to get out of bed and make a cup of tea/breakfast?

Until next time,
Kiki x

Hey Alex #2- Half Asleep

RE: This Post

Hey Alex!

you’ll have to forgive me, I was meant to write this up last night but I’d already taken my medication by the time I got around to it and cotton head took over. I’m still feeling quite groggy as it is… It’s currently 12:14 and I want to have this post scheduled for 12:30 so let’s see how speedy I can type. I have my Mika CD blaring so I’m sort of half-dancing half-wiggling as I type.

I’m glad you have someone to chat with about podcasts, I know you’re really into those lately. What are you using to listen to them? SoundCloud is always good for smaller projects, and I believe there’s a website/app somewhere that actually takes you to SoundCloud audio files that have never been listened to before. I thought that was an interesting concept you might appreciate.

I’m sorry you’re missing me, but I’m glad you haven’t forgotten me! We’ll have to meet up at some point over the summer before you go to university. I’ll have Soph, Tina and the ASs next year (Most of which will now be in my year oh god) but at the moment most people are busy AF getting ready for exams.

Thanks for the advice on the glasses! They were only tiny specs but it was annoying me… luckily since it was gloss paint, they came right off without damaging my glasses. I think my mum  would actually kill me if I ruined these ones so quickly after getting them!

12:23 gah 7 minutes, time to answer your questions!

Are you relieved you aren’t doing exams this year?
I really am, the thought of doing those exams and knowing that I wouldn’t be able to answer as well as I might should my health be good is honestly terrifying. My aim is to study all the time next year and bump all of my grades up to As, supposedly with my target grades that’s feasible.

Is there anything you want to add?
I’m not sure, maybe just the highlight of your day or something you find interesting? Otherwise I kind of like just having a conversation, it’s pretty neat.

Is there anything I can do to make your day more interesting – I could write something else for you, or do a video chat, or try and find you something on YouTube to kill a few minutes when you have a break – it’s up to you…?
That’s okay, writing these are what I consider my break. When I’m not studying or cooking or cleaning I have some shows I want to catch up on (I still haven’t finished Season 4 of The Walking Dead and I’m itching to get onto Season 9 of Supernatural)

I would ask some questions but it’s currently 12:29 and you know what I’m like about being on time with this kinda stuff.

I hope this suffices for a post, and you’re having a good day!

Until next time,
Kiki x

 

EDIT: I thought of a question and my slow wifi meant that this didn’t publish until 12:31 anyway (damn it) Did you still want to write these on weekends/half-terms when you’re not at college or keep it to college time?

Hey Alex #1- So It Begins

Hey Alex!

This is either going to flop, or last a really long time- maybe even after you head off to university? The first couple are probably going to be a little awkward while we figure out the format and schedule of these posts, but I’m sure we’ll figure it out.

I kind of sort of really miss college. Most people have started revision (Or procrastination in the name of revision) and don’t exactly have the time to chat during the day. You always find time for me though, so I’m grateful 🙂

This week, as I’m sure I’ve told you plenty of times, I’ve been fixing up the house. Mostly my bedroom, which was in dire need of reorganisation and a lick of paint, but I’ve also been painting the bathroom. As I’m 5ft4, it was an effort and a half doing the ceiling! (I’m still trying to get paint spots off of my glasses)

I started clearing out the garden too. We get these really nasty thorns every year that sprout so quickly you could blink and then suddenly you’re facing the thicket from Sleeping Beauty. Have I showed you a photo of my failed attempt to shape the trees in my side garden? I really need longer legs or a ladder…

Since this is the first one, I’ll ask some questions to make it easier.

How’s college been since I’ve been away?
How’re you finding WordPress so far?
Is there anything you’d like to add in to these posts to each other?
What’s something interesting you saw/heard this week that you’d want me to know about?

I hope this helps pass the time at lunch, I’m going to schedule my responses to post at 12:30 so they’ll be ready and waiting for you to read. This one has been short and sweet but that gives you plenty of time to write a good response. 😉

Until tomorrow!

Kiki x

I’m happy.

It’s not really a blog post, but I’m happy right now. I really truly am. ♡♡♡

Prompt: Hello

Hello,
I’m Kiki,
Sometimes Kit or Coco or Kitty,
Possibly Panda, Kitkat, Cookie and Iggy,
Infuriatingly Kiwi, once even surprisingly Annie,
Rarely Banana, Iguana, or even Piranha,
Because you see my name is Khiana,
But I’m never called that by the ones I love.
I’m almost 18, almost 5’5″, almost an A Level student,
Almost almost almost almost.
I have 7 siblings and 12 niblings,
Yes niblings, it’s a collective term for
Nieces and Nephews. Look it up.
I change the way I look because I’m bored of my face,
I cut off my hair because I got trich and
dyed it bright just to be different.
Not from others, from myself because I was stuck,
Always the same, always vanilla, predictable,
Despicable, could never escape the person I was,
Boring goody two shoes who opened her mouth too much.
Stubborn but a coward, a rambling shambling mess of a person,
Not a lady, too clumsy,
Not reckless, too mumsy,
Never smoked, nor drank, nor partied.
Worried for the ones who did, what their parents would think,
But it didn’t really matter because
That was what teens are supposed to do.
I worry that I’ll leave it too late,
Get over my fears after the party has long gone,
And I’ll be the one everyone frowns upon.
The wasted waste of breath
Holding a bottle with nothing left,
Chasing down roads that lead to
nowhere.
Mourning the ghost of what I could have been,
The people I could have met and the places I could have seen.

---

I wrote this a while ago…. wow. I was in an odd place to say the least.

Good Feelings

When a baby falls asleep in your arms.
When the breeze lifts leaves from the trees.
When lazy hugs and warm mugs fill your life.
When scenery rushes past your window on the bus.
When a song matches your mood.
When you dance like a little kid.
When the sky looks like a tropical cocktail.
When a twig snaps underfoot.
When you get a stitch from laughing so hard.
When someone says something heartfelt and you feel your heart speed up.
When you’re wearing fluffy socks.
When you feel yourself drifting off to sleep.
When you’re cuddled around a bonfire.
When you’re surrounded by people you love.
When someone shows you something that reminded them of you.
When you’re singing at the top of your voice.
When someone tucks your hair behind your ear.
When you drive through a lit tunnel at night.
When you eat your favourite meal.
When you hold someone tight for a long time.
When you have whispered conversations at 2am.
When you videochat until you fall asleep.
When you can quote a show word for word but it’s still just as good.
When you run around in the rain.
When you hear a little kid say your name for the first time.
When your friends’ families accept you as their own.
When you find someone that fits you instantly.
When you look at someone you love and smile.
When someone gives you an extra blanket to make sure you’re warm.
When you see a random act of kindness.
When someone shows you something they’re passionate about and their eyes light up.
When you’re so close you can see the details in their eyes.
When you hear their voice as you read their words.
When you’re singing and someone joins in.
When you’re kissed on the temple or forehead.
When someone says something that makes you smile for the rest of the day.
When someone falls asleep on your shoulder.

When you look back on all of these moments.

Personas

Well here’s something I didn’t think I would be writing at 2am on a Monday morning. Shows what plays on my mind when I can’t sleep, huh?

Long time, no see, WordPress. You’ve given me so much more trouble than you’re worth, if I’m honest. I find it hard to post to you anymore, because I know who reads my blog and I know what they think of me. Still, I’m a stubborn bitch, and I refuse to delete years of my life again. It just means I have about 40-50 drafts that need uploading because I was too scared of what people think.

This isn’t the first time this blog has given me issues either. I wrote a post for an estranged family member a long long time ago, for his birthday. I didn’t use his name, because you read about weird “twists of fate” online and even though rationally I knew it would never happen, I didn’t want to risk him seeing it. That was a big mistake. See, this post was really vague, for the reason I mentioned above. I mentioned loving this person despite the fact they didn’t know I existed, how much I wanted to be at the moment where I could hug them and get to know them, and then I wished them happy birthday. The thing is, a (male) friend of mine shares that birthday, and his girlfriend at the time assumed it was about him. Yeah, that didn’t go down nicely. I understood why she would think so, but I explained the situation to her, and she said we were fine. We were not fine. What originally was just a simple misunderstanding became paranoia, jealousy, and a whole load of anxiety. I used to post about it a lot, in little chunks, hoping that she’d read all of my little disclaimers and finally believe me. You can probably find them if you can be bothered to wade through the pit that is my blog.

Anyway, since then, I stopped using my life as inspiration for blog posts. Here and there you may find something, like my post on living with someone with PDA syndrome, or one about an old friend of mine cutting me out of his life (a.k.a an unnecessarily bitchy post written by a hurting teenage girl in an attempt to feel better). But for the most part, my posts -and poems especially – are written with the use of personas. For anyone unfamiliar with the term, a persona is basically a character or situation that isn’t your own, but you write it as if it was. For example when a book is in first person, the use of a persona (the protagonist) allows the author to write and think as feel as though they were the character without actually experiencing their hardships. But I digress.

I don’t write from experience very often anymore. I write from prompts sent to me by internet friends and random readers and tumblr followers. I write from fairy tales and myths and lore (pretty much anything to do with the ocean or sunshine has come from this really great book about sirens I read as a kid, I’ll have to dig it up and share the name). I write from random little ideas that pop into my head to see how fluent it would be to write a book about; 9 times out of 10 it’s nothing ever comes of it.

So here is my final disclaimer before I hopefully swing back to normal on my blog.

Most of my blog posts are not about actual people or events, and if they are, they probably aren’t about people you know. My life has changed a lot in a year. I’m not the same person I was back at secondary. I have a completely different set of friends, and while I miss my old ones, I get that people change and drift apart. I’m not as bitter about old events anymore. Old grudges I had before I came to college are gone, because honestly, life is too short to carry hormone-fuelled arguments around with you all the time. Humans are messy and unpredictable and we all have feelings and we all screw up. I was going through a lot back then. I had family drama that I’m not going to go into, and I was mourning a friend that sadly passed away. I was in pain and struggling and I blamed my friends for leaving me. They didn’t, for the most part. I pushed them away, and I was too deep in my despair to see it was happening. It was a mistake I made, and I regret it but I can’t change it. I didn’t tell them what was going on inside my head but I expected them to understand what I was going through, and that was unfair. I know a couple of them read my blog from time to time, and I’m sorry for everything I did back then. I obviously was looking at my life subjectively and didn’t understand what was going on, but I’ve taken a step back since then and seen things how they really were. I’m sorry for all the times I expected you to be there for me despite me not being there for you,  and I’m sorry for all the times I thought being a good friend meant  giving one person my undivided attention. I was in the wrong, and while I know I can’t change the things I said or did,  I hope we can move past then one day.  I needed some time by myself to get myself together, and I really am sorry that I couldn’t explain that, because at the time I didn’t understand it myself. I must have made it seem like I wanted to get away fron you, when in reality I needed to get away from the person I was, and I guess I couldn’t do that with you guys around to remind me of all of the shitty things I went through. That wasn’t your fault, but I was in such a horrible messy state that I pushed you away anyway. You couldn’t have helped me even if you tried when I was like that, I’m sure you noticed I wasn’t exactly a well functioning human being. Like I  said, I was changing. Off came the hair, more and more for each bad event I faced, each time a different colour when I wanted to escape the person I was at the time. I found that if you change the way you look, and you don’t recognise yourself in the mirror, it’s easier to make a change in your personality. It’s like playing a character until they become you. Of course, you can never escape your own life, and I wasn’t trying to pretend it wasn’t happening. But it’s easier to accept what’s going on if it feels like it isn’t happening to you. I don’t know, I can’t explain it very well. All I know is, I’m a different person, and I wanted to apologise for the people I hurt while I was focusing on myself. They say you need to crack a few eggs to make an omelette but there’s no need to smash the entire box.

Wow, that post was just meant to be a disclaimer to end rumours. I guess that’s what late night posting does to you. I really do hope that this clears stuff up and you can forgive me- but if not, I understand, and I hope you’re doing well.

Clutterer

D’you ever just accumulate a bunch of internet identities for different purposes and realise you have hoarded a bunch of URL crap? I just realised I have 7 wordpress blogs.

…I need to do some serious tidying up.

Anniversaries and Milestones

Hey guys, it’s been a while since I just rambled to you, as opposed to poems and friendship issues and family junk soooo… here we go!

Today I got a notification on WordPress telling me that I have had this blog for exactly three years now…weird. It feels like I’ve simultaneously had it longer and shorter than that. I have been blogging for a really long time now, which I suppose it feels like I’ve been using this blog longer than I have. (I was cyber-bullied on my old blog, and in a moment of madness I deleted 2 1/2 years of my life from the internet). However, it got me thinking about anniversaries; why on earth do we have them?
See, because there’s this debate as to whether time is a man-made construct or not. On one hand, events will occur whether you want them to or not and there’s no going back- humans can’t possibly hope to control that. But on the other hand, the measurement of time is a fairly human construct. Yes, the measurements come from the position of the earth etc., etc., but why break them down into months or weeks? Humans have an extra day every four years because it is more convenient for us than the extra quarter of a day every year. We put the clocks back/forward to optimise working hours. We start school in September as opposed to January because children used to help the harvest in the summer months. But anyway- anniversaries.

Why do we put certain moments on pedestals? Why do we remember certain milestones? Who chooses what becomes a milestone? For instance, I had my first kiss a year ago today; why can I remember the exact date of something so insignificant? Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first baby tooth falling out. I was seven at the time, how can I still remember it? The day after that is the birthday of someone I shared classes with why I was eleven; I don’t even remember their surname now.
What part of our brain retains these facts, as though we will need them?

It’s the same with people. We remember pointless facts in order to understand the person, yet we keep them even when the person is no longer in our lives. Their favourite colour is blue, or purple or green; they get carsick unless they sit by the window, they’re allergic to the adhesive on plasters (albeit that’s fairly useful to know). Why do we suddenly forget the answer to a question the moment someone needs us to remember? Why can feel something when it’s ‘on the tip of our tongue’?

Did you know that your brain never forgets a face? (Unless you have aphantasia) It stores them and relays them in your sleep. When you dream, you have seen the faces that feature at least once in your life, maybe three or four times. I don’t even want to think about where we source the images of our nightmares.

It gives me a headache.