Today I’m in a strange mood. Autumn is over in less than a week, and I hate this time of year. I just don’t like winter in general, and I often get moaned at by my friends for disliking…wait for it…
Wow, I can actually feel the judgement.
But it’s not that I don’t like Christmas, I just don’t like what it stands for. For most people, Christmas is a time of excitement; but for me it means the end of Autumn. Most people who know me assume that my favourite time of year is Summer, because I’m a huge one for procrastinating, and Summer’s a time when you don’t really have to worry about getting anything done. But those who really know me know that Autumn is the time where I’m my happiest. Let me explain why.
Recently I was diagnosed with anxiety, which isn’t really a surprise when you think about how many times I freak out over trivial things. Part of that anxiety is change; I hate change, I hate it so much. I’m almost at the end of year 11 at school, and I am so scared. I’m not even scared of exams, not that much- but I am terrified of the thought of saying goodbye to my friends. I can’t do it, I just can’t. I love them too much.
For me, Autumn has always been a time where change is okay, change can be good. Autumn is the time when leaves are turning gorgeous shades of beautiful colours. Autumn is the time where conkers are raining upon the ground, just waiting to burst open. Autumn is the time of fireworks and bonfires; friendship and love. Autumn is the time when my favourite animals (Foxes, hedgehogs and owls) start showing their faces early in the morning or late at night. Autumn is the time where I can change who I am and be okay with it, I can say what I feel and I won’t suddenly burst into flames. It sounds a little extreme, but such is life when you live inside my head.
For other people, the time of change comes at New Year’s. But for me, New Year’s is just the time where the trial period for the new me ends. If I don’t like the new me, I revert back to the old me. If I like the new me, she stays.
For other people, Christmas is the time when your families come together and be happy together- so why can’t I see that?
Why is it, that when Christmas starts showing its face in October (No really, the 20th of October was the day I saw the first Christmas film of the year appear on TV- before Hallowe’en for Christ’s sake) I want to just push it back and say that it’s not allowed near me until the end of November?
Why is it that when I see Christmas adverts on TV (looking at you John Lewis) I just have this urge to roll my eyes and turn the TV over? Why is it that while others are looking in shops to find the perfect presents for their loved ones, all I see are shop owners exploiting them by doubling the price as soon as Santa looms over everyone’s heads?
Why is it that I never believed in Santa, even as a kid?
Why is it that while everyone is glowing and talking about how “magical” Christmas time is, I just feel flat?
Why am I so god-damn cynical that I can’t enjoy a holiday?
Anyway, I just wanted to attempt to explain why I don’t like Christmas and I just kinda got mad at myself… Sorry if I brought down your mood, that’s totally my bad! :/
Love and cookies, Kiki xx :3