Christmas, New Years, and Last Chances

Normally at this time of year, it doesn’t really feel like Christmas. My family doesn’t really do the normal traditions, we make our own: going to the Christmas market and mingling with (okay, so I mean mocking) the ridiculously posh people, waking up to a box of maltesers at the end of my bed on Christmas morning, eating satsumas and saving the peel for my mum’s famous Christmas fruit cake. At this time of year, we don’t have Christmas decorations up, or presents under the tree, or cruddy music on the TV.

But this year, this year is different. We have a beautiful tree in the corner of the room, all strung up with tinsel, blue fairy lights, and even candy canes! We have the presents snuggled neatly underneath, we have warm jumpers and gingerbread. It’s seriously awesome.

And yet, despite all of this… I’m sad.

As happy as I am with Christmas this year, I’ve never felt so far from my friends before. I miss them so much, and it hasn’t even been a week since I last saw them.

I guess it just feels weird, y’know?

It’s like, New Years is coming, and with it being the end of the year, it feels  like a last chance- one that I’m missing out on. It just kind of feels like, if I’m not there at New Years, I’m gonna lose something I love… Does that make any sense whatsoever?

I don’t know, I guess I’m just sentimental at this time of year.

merry Christmas guys xx

Trust Fall Attack

So this is a thing that I did, an old thing that I did that is suddenly really relevant to me.

Trust Fall Attack.

There’s this thing
called a trust fall
but the name is
deceptive

You’re expected
to let yourself       | | |
.                              | | |
.                            | | |
.                              | | |
.                            drop

into the arms of a
stranger.

it’s called “team building”
But is it really?
expecting someone to
catch

you. don’t you find it weird?
someone you don’t even know
trying to stop you from
falling

It’s worse with a friend
no matter how
much you trust
them

There will always be
that one moment
when you feel yourself
slipping

backwards, and you think
that they won’t catch you
so you take a step
back

more often than not
you will step on their foot
and you hear them say
Ow.

knowing that
you’ve hurt them
and they think you don’t
trust

them. No-one can change
this. Don’t even try
but if someone asks
you

to play trust fall
tell them no, and
then the problem is
avoided.

——————-

try to read this
as a metaphor.
so who can you
trust?

Just Friends.

Hey guys, kind of a serious post today.

I’m sitting in history, but I can’t concentrate. Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of hate from people in my year group. Why?

Because my best friend is a guy.

We’ve always been pretty close, and recently we’ve been closer than ever- but our friendship has never been anything more than platonic and I am 99.999999% sure it’ll never be. I don’t know why I’m even making this post, it’s not anyone else’s business- but the jokes won’t stop and I can’t take it anymore.

I mean, what do you want me to do? Stop speaking to him? Because as much as I hate to say it, I tried that; I thought that if I got my distance, then people would leave us both alone and he’d be happier. But no, the comments kept coming and we both ended up getting even more upset.  I don’t know what other option I have. I can’t take the comments anymore. I’m sick of being called a slut and a skank, and I’m constantly paranoid that his girlfriend-who also happens to be my friend- hates me because of it. I would never ever do anything to hurt either of them, I love them both so much; I would never want to hurt them, and I feel sick just knowing that people think that I would.

I haven’t slept in days, and I’m pretty sure my mum thinks I have an eating disorder because I’ve lost my appetite.

Please, I just want it to stop. I don’t think I can take much more.

Christmas is coming… RUN!

Today I’m in a strange mood. Autumn is over in less than a week, and I hate this time of year. I just don’t like winter in general, and I often get moaned at by my friends for disliking…wait for it…

Christmas.

Wow, I can actually feel the judgement.

But it’s not that I don’t like Christmas, I just don’t like what it stands for. For most people, Christmas is a time of excitement; but for me it means the end of Autumn. Most people who know me assume that my favourite time of year is Summer, because I’m a huge one for procrastinating, and Summer’s a time when you don’t really have to worry about getting anything done. But those who really know me know that Autumn is the time where I’m my happiest. Let me explain why.

Recently I was diagnosed with anxiety, which isn’t really a surprise when you think about how many times I freak out over trivial things. Part of that anxiety is change; I hate change, I hate it so much. I’m almost at the end of year 11 at school, and I am so scared. I’m not even scared of exams, not that much- but I am terrified of the thought of saying goodbye to my friends. I can’t do it, I just can’t. I love them too much.

But anyway…

For me, Autumn has always been a time where change is okay, change can be good. Autumn is the time when leaves are turning gorgeous shades of beautiful colours. Autumn is the time where conkers are raining upon the ground, just waiting to burst open. Autumn is the time of fireworks and bonfires; friendship and love. Autumn is the time when my favourite animals (Foxes, hedgehogs and owls) start showing their faces early in the morning or late at night. Autumn is the time where I can change who I am and be okay with it, I can say what I feel and I won’t suddenly burst into flames. It sounds a little extreme, but such is life when you live inside my head.

For other people, the time of change comes at New Year’s. But for me, New Year’s is just the time where the trial period for the new me ends. If I don’t like the new me, I revert back to the old me. If I like the new me, she stays.

For other people, Christmas is the time when your families come together and be happy together- so why can’t I see that?

Why is it, that when Christmas starts showing its face in October (No really, the 20th of October was the day I saw the first Christmas film of the year appear on TV- before Hallowe’en for Christ’s sake) I want to just push it back and say that it’s not allowed near me until the end of November?
Why is it that when I see Christmas adverts on TV (looking at you John Lewis) I just have this urge to roll my eyes and turn the TV over? Why is it that while others are looking in shops to find the perfect presents for their loved ones, all I see are shop owners exploiting them by doubling the price as soon as Santa looms over everyone’s heads?
Why is it that I never believed in Santa, even as a kid?
Why is it that while everyone is glowing and talking about how “magical” Christmas time is, I just feel flat?

Why am I so god-damn cynical that I can’t enjoy a holiday?

Anyway, I just wanted to attempt to explain why I don’t like Christmas and I just kinda got mad at myself… Sorry if I brought down your mood, that’s totally my bad! :/

Love and cookies, Kiki xx :3

Battle With Myself: Part 2

Hey guys! I know I have a new blog for serious stuff, but I thought I would finished this mini series first :) (one more part to go)

So… here is part two!
Part 1: http://kikiwantshercookie.wordpress.com/2014/10/04/a-battle-with-myself-part-1/
Also shout-out to Jammie who is sat next to me and reading this right now xD

As my transport drags me down my destined path,
I apply the war paint of my people,
A base to cover any signs of previous combat
And then lips the colour of blood

The tactics are simple,
Camouflage is necessary, blend in,
Take whatever risks you must to ensure that
You are exactly the same.

It’s stupid, but it works.
The casualties are limited as you gain experience,
And your brain has become numb as it deals with pain;
One can only pray for the new recruits.

They don’t yet know the evils of this daily conflict,
Shipped in from a land where
Troubles are resolved in a second
And your enemies keep at a distance.

But here your friend and foe can merge,
Hiding seamlessly among one another like your conscience and the devil,
For how can we tell them apart when we wear the same uniform
And take orders from the same commanders?

I know now that this is a civil war,
Although civil does not best describe
The torture and suffering some cause.
I thought we were fighting this beast together.

Clearly it is every man for himself,
And now you and I fight tooth and nail
Because apparently we can’t both survive
This journey unscathed.

The Binary Notebook

Just a quick note to say that I have a new blog!

So far I’ve just been reblogging some of the old stuff that’s on here, but here’s the URL: http://binarynotebook.wordpress.com/

I realised that I wanted this blog to be a light, breezy online journal kind of thing, but my posts are getting heavier and heavier lately (probably a build up of teenage angst) and it just doesn’t fit with the theme I wanted.

So yeah, welcome to The Binary Notebook! I hope you will join me :)
Love and cookies,
Kiki xx :3

A Battle With Myself: Part 1

Eyes ducked down as I pass it,
The mirror hanging on my bedroom wall.
As if eye contact with my reflection would draw me in
Sucking out the last of my confidence
And churning out self-loathing.
Launching hate-seeking missiles
In a search and destroy mission
Where the target is my self-esteem.
When the missile strikes, it
Leaves an impact, cutting deep
But I bleed tears instead of blood
And the wounds never heal.
I must brace myself for the upcoming battle
Getting ready for school in the morning.
Every second staring into my own eyes is
A life lost in this twisted game I play
Praying that the mist gathering within is just an illusion.
The ice cold shivers tickle my spine as my focus moves away
To my round cheeks spattered with spots,
And the labyrinth that is my hair.
Each brushstroke feels like lightning,
Sizzling my already frazzled mind,
The crackle of the static
Only making the situation worse.
But the wail of the siren
Breaks me out of my fight,
Warning me that the time has almost come
For my last stand.

“With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility”

KikiWantsHerCookie:

Tilly worded this way better than I ever could

Originally posted on Look Into Your Heart & Write:

Hi guys,

This isn’t my usual type of post, I don’t intend to write a poem on this topic. But as an avid internet enthusiast and as a young, impressionable teenage girl, I would be doing the online community a disservice by not spreading awareness of the recent sexual abuse scandals on YouTube. From this post I aim to explain some of the recent events and keep this conversation going in order to stop things like this happening again. I am not going to apologize for its length as it is an important discussion. I would like to start by saying that I do not condone any form of sexual, physical, emotional or mental abuse and do not associate myself with those who do.

Earlier in 2014, the internet community saw the rapid- and deserved- downfall of manipulative content creators such as Tom Milsom, Luke Conard and, much to my…

View original 1,054 more words

I’m Sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that we hadn’t met sooner.
I’m sorry that we didn’t get on straight away.
I’m sorry that you flicked me with washing up water.
I’m sorry that we argued in class.

I’m sorry that it took me six months to forgive you
I’m sorry that it took me two more months to sit near you.
I’m sorry that it took me another month to talk to you.
I’m sorry that it took me yet another month to consider you my friend.

I’m sorry that I didn’t always laugh at your jokes.
I’m sorry that I didn’t always get your references.
I’m sorry that I didn’t always agree with your opinions.
I’m sorry that I didn’t always understand you.

I’m sorry for the arguments we had.
I’m sorry for the insults we threw at each other.
I’m sorry for the pain we caused.
I’m sorry for New Year’s.

I’m sorry that you’re going through a lot.
I’m sorry that you haven’t had a happy life.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through hardships.
I’m sorry that that I can’t remember what your smile looks like.

I’m sorry that you’ve refused my help.
I’m sorry that you’ve pushed me away.
I’m sorry that you’ve belittled me in front of our friends.
I’m sorry that you’ve made me give up on you.

I’m not sorry that we became friends.

But

I am sorry that I can’t be there anymore.
I am sorry that I’m not strong enough to survive the wounds you cause.
I am sorry that you make me love and hate you at the same time.
I am sorry that even now, I care enough to cry.

I’m sorry.

Cold Breath, Rush of Wings

Ummmm I don’t normally write stuff like this, but I got pressured into uploading it by my peers so…
They’re jumping off of a bridge tomorrow, think I might join them!

There’s an angel gliding
through my head at night
I pray he’s not
The Devil in disguise

A gentle glow hits my face
As your radiance begins to show
Cold breath, Rush of wings
Soft smile, round halo,

Rule my head and own my heart
Turning over in my mind
So close and yet so far
In the corner of my eyes

Write your name into my soul
Etched forever, carved so deep
Whisper softly in my ear
Watch over me as I fall asleep

Insomnia’s no problem, when
Your watchful gaze begins to sweep
I know that I will be
safe and sound, you’ll keep

Me away from the shadows
I’ll float on cloud nine
And out of the darkness
These dreams are mine

No longer ruled by my doubts and fears
They’re gone from my mind during your stay
Will you be my guardian
And keep these thoughts away?

Ghostly fingers cup my cheek
Protection kiss upon my forehead
Lasting until dawn does break
The moment that I begin to dread

You slip away from me for another day
And I have to pretend I don’t feel a thing
But oh my love, when your name comes up,
All I hear is the angels sing