Cold Breath, Rush of Wings

Ummmm I don’t normally write stuff like this, but I got pressured into uploading it by my peers so…
They’re jumping off of a bridge tomorrow, think I might join them!

There’s an angel gliding
through my head at night
I pray he’s not
The Devil in disguise

A gentle glow hits my face
As your radiance begins to show
Cold breath, Rush of wings
Soft smile, round halo,

Rule my head and own my heart
Turning over in my mind
So close and yet so far
In the corner of my eyes

Write your name into my soul
Etched forever, carved so deep
Whisper softly in my ear
Watch over me as I fall asleep

Insomnia’s no problem, when
Your watchful gaze begins to sweep
I know that I will be
safe and sound, you’ll keep

Me away from the shadows
I’ll float on cloud nine
And out of the darkness
These dreams are mine

No longer ruled by my doubts and fears
They’re gone from my mind during your stay
Will you be my guardian
And keep these thoughts away?

Ghostly fingers cup my cheek
Protection kiss upon my forehead
Lasting until dawn does break
The moment that I begin to dread

You slip away from me for another day
And I have to pretend I don’t feel a thing
But oh my love, when your name comes up,
All I hear is the angels sing

Inside Jokes

Hey guys! Just a little poem for you :)

Sometimes I like to make inside jokes,
That only I will get,
Like “On a Plate” and “Baumgartner”
The things that I can’t forget

“I’m getting bored while waiting for Gandalf”
“I’m just a tall hobbit” are to name a few
And who could forget the famous chanting
that went “doo doo doo doo, doo doo”

So maybe you understand one or two
But surely not the whole lot
‘Cause inside jokes are between two friends
For instance, “Ninja Postbox”

I hope mentioning these nonsense words
Will trigger a memory inside
Otherwise saying “Gay bacon” right now
Will just seem unrequired

Or maybe I should create a stir
and simply say *Raises eyebrow*
‘Cause an inside joke will make you giggle
Or make you gasp and say “Hey Now…”

So yes I admit, the Rhymes are… bad,
And it might seem like Abstract Expressionism,
But it is “literally” impossible to find something that
fits with the phrase “Not a euphemism”

I’m running out of things to say now,
‘cause inside jokes are meant to stay inside
If you don’t like it then “Shut up, no-one asked your opinion”
This is “the panda stalker” saying goodbye


Hope you enjoyed it, I know I did :D
Kiki xx :3

The Final Year of School

ANOTHER post from Kiki??? Okay, maybe I am ill.

As I sit and wait for my interview
my mind begins to wander
I’m here for career advice
‘So what do I want?’ I ponder

I don’t want to think about the future
I don’t want to think about now
I want to go back when times were simpler,
Back before I had all these doubts

I don’t want to wonder if someone likes me
Nor keep secrets, nor hold my tongue
I want to let slip every little thing I know
I want to go back to just being young

I want to trace shapes in the sand
And fight over who got the bike
I want the teachers to ruffle our hair
And call us their little tykes

I want to play and chat with my friends
The ones only I can see
Back before they disappeared
Before they deserted me

I want to paint pictures again
That were hung upon the wall
And to be told that they were perfect
No matter how big or small

I want to feel the smile on my cheeks
That every infant possessed
The one that never faltered
Except when in protest

I miss those days of old
When trivial were the fights
When we neither knew nor cared
About the details of our plights

And now I have this crisis
And I don’t know where to turn
Do I give up trying?
Or do I stay and learn?

I don’t want to go to prom
And I don’t want to say goodbye
I could say I can’t wait for college
But that would simply be a lie

School is just way too hard
But the good grades, they could be nice
I can’t do this on my own,
Could you please give me some advice?

I think I’ve talked the ears off
Of anyone that will lend,
Because I’m simply just not ready
For this unexpected-

An Apology x

Whoa, another post from Kiki in the same week?? No, I’m not ill, I just wanted to clarify a few things.

Anyone who has seen my post “Pedestals and Perspectives” will know that I was upset at the time of writing, and wasn’t exactly thinking clearly. I’m not saying that I regret writing it, but the person it was about is someone I love a lot- and they saw it.

The problem with writing on the internet is that you can’t always express yourself in a way that in real life would make people understand. On the internet, you can’t hear the tone of voice, or see the expression on their face as they pour their soul out.

When I wrote P&P, I wasn’t saying that he is a bad person, or that I don’t love him anymore, I was merely trying to turn my hurt into words; which evidently didn’t go down well. I still stand by my advice, don’t put people on pedestals; because nobody is perfect on this planet, everybody will at some point do or say something that you won’t like, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You will get hurt. But, if you don’t put them on a pedestal, it will hurt a hell of a lot less. If you ignore my advice and put someone on a pedestal, it’s no-one’s fault but your own- they don’t expect you to put them on one, they’re just being themselves. You can’t be angry at someone for not living up to your unrealistic expectations, and that’s what I’ve realised from this.

So to the person I wrote it about:

Hey Harbibo, :)
I’m sorry, I was wrong. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, or make you look/feel bad, I was just in a bad way and took it out on you when I shouldn’t have. I do still love you more than anyone else in this world, and I do still trust you. I don’t think an argument has ever shaken me like that before, and it didn’t even last that long! I hope you know just how much I care about you, I mean jeez, I don’t think I’d be this sappy for anyone else!

Love and cookies,
Kiki  :3 xx

Pedestal Quote

Pedestals & Perspectives

Hey guys, I know I haven’t posted in ages but a lot is changing in my life, a lot. 
Anyway it’s time for another… well, I wouldn’t necessarily call it a rant, more of a warning.

Don’t put people on pedestals. 

For those of you that don’t know, here is the definition of pedestal:

.the base or support on which a statue, obelisk, or column is mounted.
“a bronze bust on a marble pedestal” 

2.a position in which someone is greatly or uncritically admired.
“It’s as if I’m on a pedestal and he worships me – I hate that”

Here, we’re talking about number 2.:a position in which someone is greatly or uncritically admired.
See, I have this habit of putting people on pedestals… a lot. 
The trouble with that is, at some point in your life, they also have a habit… of falling off.
The longer you leave them on, the higher the pedestal gets. 
The higher the pedestal gets, the harder they fall of of it.
The harder they fall, the more it hurts when they land.
There’s one particular person that comes to mind when I discuss this topic, and Jesus Christ, their pedestal reached the fricking sky; it was like I had reserved a palace up there for them. No matter what they did, I forgave them. I caught them as they were just about to topple off, and each and every god damn time I did that, the pedestal just got higher. 
So when they finally fell off, it took a while to process what happened. 
I swear it broke my heart, shattered it into a million tiny pieces, just like that pedestal. Because there’s no way I can build it back up now. It’s broken, for good.
‘Cause see, that’s the thing about pedestals, once someone really has fallen off, they can’t get back on. They’re just like everyone else.
I really did honestly look up to this person, I trusted them. But I held them too high to see them clearly, and I suppose that is no-one’s fault but my own. They’re just a human, they can’t be perfect, and I had to realise that.
Everything’s different to me now. I changed after that, and the old me isn’t coming back.
So once again, I warn you:
Don’t put people on pedestals.

The Fringes of Friendship

Have you ever had a friend
that you loved more than your family,
but you were certain it was
one sided?

Have you ever had a friend
that you think of whenever someone asks you
who your favourite is, but you know that
your name won’t flash across their mind?

Have you ever had a friend
that you never get bored talking to
although you feel like you’re
bothering them?

Have you ever had a friend
who you want to hug and never let go
even though with them it’s
out of sight out of mind

Had you ever had a friend
that despite all the pain they put you through
you love them more than

Because I have.
I’ve had that friend.
But you know what?
I’m okay with it.

No Longer Nerimon

So, for a while now, there’s been a couple of changes about YouTube. Videos of a more mature nature are appearing, about sex and consent; YouTubers seem to be withdrawing from their audiences and making their lives more personal; and Alex Day no longer makes YouTube videos.

A few months ago, a scandal came to surface about a few certain YouTubers sexually assaulting women. So why am I making a post about it now?

Well, when I tried to form an opinion before now, I couldn’t quite convey the emotions I was feeling properly, and people misunderstood what I was trying to say. I was sent horrible messages for weeks on end, from people I didn’t know, telling me I was sick, twisted, and that I supported rape. So I thought I would wait for the dust to settle before attempting, again, to get my point across. Of course, this might stir everything up again, but one can only hope that you will understand- and I don’t have that many followers anyway.

Okay, First of all: I don’t in any way shape or form, support rape. the mere word alone fills me with a dark twist in my stomach. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry until I can cry no more. 

Secondly- and this is where everybody jumps to conclusions so hear me out- I probably won’t stop listening to Alex’s music. I’ve tried to stop, but then suddenly I’m singing it or whistling it or it comes onto my shuffle. I’ve been listening to Alex’s music since I was just turning 13- everything I remember about being a teenager so far involves watching his video or listening to his song. For crying out loud, I have a money jar with every bit of change I could spare, so I could save up and buy all of the Lifescouts badges I’ve earned at once. I know, I know, it’s not the same as before, everything has change but even so, I can’t seem to help it. I’ve been growing up with it for the past three years, it’s hard to cut it out of my life when I associate it with home. 

I don’t know whether anyone else will understand this, but when you get into a routine, for example, watching one video every day, it’s hard to get out of. It was like he was speaking to me, and honestly, I freaking loved Alex like you’d love a friend or a brother. It’s strange really, considering the fact that I’ve never met him for real and he has no idea that I exist. 
So when I found out about all of this, I felt so, so, sick. I swear my stomach dropped and I felt like crying. I hated what he did so much, but I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. 

I swear though, I’m not enjoying it. In the midst of the scandal, I was starting a final piece- of Alex. 
I just wanted to stop and change my entire project, but by then it was too late. I felt horrible, spending hours creating a painting I knew I would be hated for.

He was my freaking idol. I looked up to him, I wanted to be just like him. 

Do you know what the worst part is? Even now, even now, I’m still wondering what he’s doing. He’s stopped using his account; has he got a new one or has he stopped using YouTube? Does he still use all of his personal accounts or is he steering clear of the internet altogether? Is he depressed or is he moving on?

Anyway, my advice would be don’t have living idols. Stick to people like Marie Curie or Martin Luther King. Jr.

It’s just simpler.

Love and cookies,
Kiki xx :3

Questions on My Mind

So this is kind of hard for me to write, but I hope I’ll feel better once I have. I’m not sure exactly what it is, possibly between a poem and a letter, but hey, I don’t exactly fit in either.

Since the day that I first heard your name- back when I still had grazed knees, dungarees, and wonky pigtails- many questions sprung from the wells of my mind.
How tall were you?
Were you a nice person?
Would I ever meet you?
And most importantly of all-

Did you like ducks as much as I did?

For a while you became a way of encouragement, someone I was told about to make me try harder. You were a champion at roller-blading, fantastic at swimming and amazing at riding a bike. You were made out to be everything I aspired to become, and a marvel in my mind. Whether this be true, I later realised, I knew not.

You were always there but not there, constantly missing. How is it that I was so aware of someone who knew not of my existence? Caring about the affairs of someone who remained a mystery in my mind?
I learned no more for many years, and you slipped from prominence in my mind. Not quite remembered, but not yet forgotten.

Your name passed my lips after what felt like an era, one day whilst I was weaving the fabric of a fantasy tale. It appears that I had unwittingly created a figment of my imagination that matched your character. I asked yet more questions, this time from a different source, now I triumphed. A small victory, but nonetheless I held the small snatches of information like treasures in my palm. I now knew the date you were born; a day I would inwardly celebrate.

I imagined you having birthday parties; opening presents, blowing out the candles and making a wish. However, whenever I picture your face, a blank still remained.
I must have pictured your face a thousand different ways: Long hair, short hair, inky black hair, blonde hair, brown hair, ginger hair, dyed hair, blue eyes, green eyes, grey eyes, hazel eyes, small nose, big nose, round face, long face, freckles and dimples- each and every thought fluttered through my mind, but you never seemed real.

Now though, now, I’ve seen your face. I must have looked at your face so many times, until I was certain I would recognise every feature etched into it. It’s strange. Before you became apparent to me, I could have passed you in the street unknowingly. It is unlikely, but even so, the mere thought sends shivers down my spine. With the others, when I see a mark on their face, I can see the story behind it, hear the scream they made when it happened, and how proud they were when they retold the story on the playground. But with you, with you…I only see the scars that remain.

Maybe one day I’ll summon up the courage to speak to you, to make my existence known. Will you want to know me, or will I be a burden? Will I regret my decision? It’s a risk I must take one day, but that day is not today, nor tomorrow or the day after. After all, ignorance is bliss, and I feel that we both deserve our sweet little innocent ignorance for just a few more years. But one day, one day…

Who knows, perhaps one day we will become friends?
I think I’ll cling on to that hope and I won’t let go unless you tear it from me.

Some Thoughts on Homosexuality

There’s no doubt about it, this is a topic that always cause debates. But I’ve had enough now.

The first time I had a mini rage about this topic, was always being asked during truth or dare “How would you feel if your friend told you they were gay?” Well, I’d thank them for feeling that they could tell me, and I’d probably encourage them to come out properly. I would also squish anyone who bullied them, because you never make fun of someone for something they can’t change about themselves. I mean, of course I’m not an expert, and I’m not going to pretend to be one, but the vague idea is, even if a homosexual person wants to be straight, they physically cannot bring themselves to be attracted to the opposite gender, unless they are bisexual/pansexual, etc. The same goes for heterosexual people- how would you like it if society suddenly disapproved of heterosexuality and forced you to be gay instead? Because I know I would hate it.

But to get back to the original idea.

So I was watching TV, when a man on the programme I was watching complained about his wife making him continue to be friends with the next door neighbour. The reason he didn’t want to be friendly any more was because he had recently discovered that the neighbour was gay. He then went on to explain that he didn’t want his neighbour staring at him while they were in the changing rooms (they were lifting weights together before he found out).

Okay, so that made me angry.

Not only that, but afterwards, when I was just a little bit, possibly, maybe slightly peeved, I went to talk to some of the guys I know and they said they would do the same thing. 

I just asked one of my friends and he replied:

I wouldn’t mind as long as they don’t sexually assault me whilst i’m in the locker room

Okay, so what the hell makes you think they’d want to sexually abuse you?? Just because they’re attracted to your gender, does not mean that they’re attracted to you. Is your ego really so big that you think nobody can resist you?? That doesn’t just apply to homosexuals either. That is a rule of life.
Also, even if they are attracted to you, that doesn’t mean they have no self control. They aren’t just going to lunge at you, they’re humans- not animals.

Another one of my friends saw that I was writing this post, and added:

This is another friend (This one is gay):

There is nothing wrong with homosexuality. I think it is really offensive when people act differently around you just because you are gay. I have only told a handful of people about this. And the whole stigma around it is one of the huge reasons that people struggle to come out of the closet.

Yes Kiki. I am.

Well, all I have to say is I stand by my earlier comment. I’m so happy that you trusted me enough to tell me, and I’m not going to change my attitude towards you in the slightest. I won’t respect you any less, that’s a promise. You’re not my pet, and I’m not going to categorise you as ‘my gay friend’. I’ll simply keep you as one of my closest friends, and hopefully one day you’ll feel confident enough to tell everyone. I understand how intimidating that could be, even though I’m not in that position myself, so don’t feel like I’m pressuring you in any way. xx 

My only advice would be- once you decide you’re going to come out of the closet, don’t let anyone else shove you back in. Because you have a right to be yourself, and there is no-one on this earth that has the right to tell you otherwise. Just remember, they can’t change who you are unless you let them.

And maybe try telling someone you trust? You don’t have to tell everyone all at once. x

Well, I think this is all I have to say on the matter for now, so feel free to leave your comments and express your opinions- do you agree? do you disagree? 

Lots of love and cookies,

Kiki :3 xx