Christmas is coming… RUN!

Today I’m in a strange mood. Autumn is over in less than a week, and I hate this time of year. I just don’t like winter in general, and I often get moaned at by my friends for disliking…wait for it…


Wow, I can actually feel the judgement.

But it’s not that I don’t like Christmas, I just don’t like what it stands for. For most people, Christmas is a time of excitement; but for me it means the end of Autumn. Most people who know me assume that my favourite time of year is Summer, because I’m a huge one for procrastinating, and Summer’s a time when you don’t really have to worry about getting anything done. But those who really know me know that Autumn is the time where I’m my happiest. Let me explain why.

Recently I was diagnosed with anxiety, which isn’t really a surprise when you think about how many times I freak out over trivial things. Part of that anxiety is change; I hate change, I hate it so much. I’m almost at the end of year 11 at school, and I am so scared. I’m not even scared of exams, not that much- but I am terrified of the thought of saying goodbye to my friends. I can’t do it, I just can’t. I love them too much.

But anyway…

For me, Autumn has always been a time where change is okay, change can be good. Autumn is the time when leaves are turning gorgeous shades of beautiful colours. Autumn is the time where conkers are raining upon the ground, just waiting to burst open. Autumn is the time of fireworks and bonfires; friendship and love. Autumn is the time when my favourite animals (Foxes, hedgehogs and owls) start showing their faces early in the morning or late at night. Autumn is the time where I can change who I am and be okay with it, I can say what I feel and I won’t suddenly burst into flames. It sounds a little extreme, but such is life when you live inside my head.

For other people, the time of change comes at New Year’s. But for me, New Year’s is just the time where the trial period for the new me ends. If I don’t like the new me, I revert back to the old me. If I like the new me, she stays.

For other people, Christmas is the time when your families come together and be happy together- so why can’t I see that?

Why is it, that when Christmas starts showing its face in October (No really, the 20th of October was the day I saw the first Christmas film of the year appear on TV- before Hallowe’en for Christ’s sake) I want to just push it back and say that it’s not allowed near me until the end of November?
Why is it that when I see Christmas adverts on TV (looking at you John Lewis) I just have this urge to roll my eyes and turn the TV over? Why is it that while others are looking in shops to find the perfect presents for their loved ones, all I see are shop owners exploiting them by doubling the price as soon as Santa looms over everyone’s heads?
Why is it that I never believed in Santa, even as a kid?
Why is it that while everyone is glowing and talking about how “magical” Christmas time is, I just feel flat?

Why am I so god-damn cynical that I can’t enjoy a holiday?

Anyway, I just wanted to attempt to explain why I don’t like Christmas and I just kinda got mad at myself… Sorry if I brought down your mood, that’s totally my bad! :/

Love and cookies, Kiki xx :3


So um… Hi,

I just wanted to say that I miss you- among others, sure, but you in particular today- And I miss you more than I thought I would, actually. A lot more.
I love you so, so, goddamn much, and you don’t even know. You’ll probably never know; and that hurts. It hurts so bad, and dear god I wish it didn’t.
I want to be able to hug you, and make you smile,whenever I want to. I want to be the one that you come to when you need help, and I simply can’t. Because you don’t know.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever hear you tell me you love me, or if I’ll be the cause of the smile on your face, but here’s hoping.
‘Cause I love you kiddo, I really, really do.

So… that’s all I wanted to say, I guess.

Oh yeah, and Happy Birthday x

Battle With Myself: Part 2

Hey guys! I know I have a new blog for serious stuff, but I thought I would finished this mini series first :) (one more part to go)

So… here is part two!
Part 1:
Also shout-out to Jammie who is sat next to me and reading this right now xD

As my transport drags me down my destined path,
I apply the war paint of my people,
A base to cover any signs of previous combat
And then lips the colour of blood

The tactics are simple,
Camouflage is necessary, blend in,
Take whatever risks you must to ensure that
You are exactly the same.

It’s stupid, but it works.
The casualties are limited as you gain experience,
And your brain has become numb as it deals with pain;
One can only pray for the new recruits.

They don’t yet know the evils of this daily conflict,
Shipped in from a land where
Troubles are resolved in a second
And your enemies keep at a distance.

But here your friend and foe can merge,
Hiding seamlessly among one another like your conscience and the devil,
For how can we tell them apart when we wear the same uniform
And take orders from the same commanders?

I know now that this is a civil war,
Although civil does not best describe
The torture and suffering some cause.
I thought we were fighting this beast together.

Clearly it is every man for himself,
And now you and I fight tooth and nail
Because apparently we can’t both survive
This journey unscathed.

The Binary Notebook

Just a quick note to say that I have a new blog!

So far I’ve just been reblogging some of the old stuff that’s on here, but here’s the URL:

I realised that I wanted this blog to be a light, breezy online journal kind of thing, but my posts are getting heavier and heavier lately (probably a build up of teenage angst) and it just doesn’t fit with the theme I wanted.

So yeah, welcome to The Binary Notebook! I hope you will join me :)
Love and cookies,
Kiki xx :3

A Battle With Myself: Part 1

Eyes ducked down as I pass it,
The mirror hanging on my bedroom wall.
As if eye contact with my reflection would draw me in
Sucking out the last of my confidence
And churning out self-loathing.
Launching hate-seeking missiles
In a search and destroy mission
Where the target is my self-esteem.
When the missile strikes, it
Leaves an impact, cutting deep
But I bleed tears instead of blood
And the wounds never heal.
I must brace myself for the upcoming battle
Getting ready for school in the morning.
Every second staring into my own eyes is
A life lost in this twisted game I play
Praying that the mist gathering within is just an illusion.
The ice cold shivers tickle my spine as my focus moves away
To my round cheeks spattered with spots,
And the labyrinth that is my hair.
Each brushstroke feels like lightning,
Sizzling my already frazzled mind,
The crackle of the static
Only making the situation worse.
But the wail of the siren
Breaks me out of my fight,
Warning me that the time has almost come
For my last stand.

“With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility”


Tilly worded this way better than I ever could

Originally posted on Look Into Your Heart & Write:

Hi guys,

This isn’t my usual type of post, I don’t intend to write a poem on this topic. But as an avid internet enthusiast and as a young, impressionable teenage girl, I would be doing the online community a disservice by not spreading awareness of the recent sexual abuse scandals on YouTube. From this post I aim to explain some of the recent events and keep this conversation going in order to stop things like this happening again. I am not going to apologize for its length as it is an important discussion. I would like to start by saying that I do not condone any form of sexual, physical, emotional or mental abuse and do not associate myself with those who do.

Earlier in 2014, the internet community saw the rapid- and deserved- downfall of manipulative content creators such as Tom Milsom, Luke Conard and, much to my…

View original 1,054 more words

I’m Sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that we hadn’t met sooner.
I’m sorry that we didn’t get on straight away.
I’m sorry that you flicked me with washing up water.
I’m sorry that we argued in class.

I’m sorry that it took me six months to forgive you
I’m sorry that it took me two more months to sit near you.
I’m sorry that it took me another month to talk to you.
I’m sorry that it took me yet another month to consider you my friend.

I’m sorry that I didn’t always laugh at your jokes.
I’m sorry that I didn’t always get your references.
I’m sorry that I didn’t always agree with your opinions.
I’m sorry that I didn’t always understand you.

I’m sorry for the arguments we had.
I’m sorry for the insults we threw at each other.
I’m sorry for the pain we caused.
I’m sorry for New Year’s.

I’m sorry that you’re going through a lot.
I’m sorry that you haven’t had a happy life.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through hardships.
I’m sorry that that I can’t remember what your smile looks like.

I’m sorry that you’ve refused my help.
I’m sorry that you’ve pushed me away.
I’m sorry that you’ve belittled me in front of our friends.
I’m sorry that you’ve made me give up on you.

I’m not sorry that we became friends.


I am sorry that I can’t be there anymore.
I am sorry that I’m not strong enough to survive the wounds you cause.
I am sorry that you make me love and hate you at the same time.
I am sorry that even now, I care enough to cry.

I’m sorry.

Cold Breath, Rush of Wings

Ummmm I don’t normally write stuff like this, but I got pressured into uploading it by my peers so…
They’re jumping off of a bridge tomorrow, think I might join them!

There’s an angel gliding
through my head at night
I pray he’s not
The Devil in disguise

A gentle glow hits my face
As your radiance begins to show
Cold breath, Rush of wings
Soft smile, round halo,

Rule my head and own my heart
Turning over in my mind
So close and yet so far
In the corner of my eyes

Write your name into my soul
Etched forever, carved so deep
Whisper softly in my ear
Watch over me as I fall asleep

Insomnia’s no problem, when
Your watchful gaze begins to sweep
I know that I will be
safe and sound, you’ll keep

Me away from the shadows
I’ll float on cloud nine
And out of the darkness
These dreams are mine

No longer ruled by my doubts and fears
They’re gone from my mind during your stay
Will you be my guardian
And keep these thoughts away?

Ghostly fingers cup my cheek
Protection kiss upon my forehead
Lasting until dawn does break
The moment that I begin to dread

You slip away from me for another day
And I have to pretend I don’t feel a thing
But oh my love, when your name comes up,
All I hear is the angels sing

Inside Jokes

Hey guys! Just a little poem for you :)

Sometimes I like to make inside jokes,
That only I will get,
Like “On a Plate” and “Baumgartner”
The things that I can’t forget

“I’m getting bored while waiting for Gandalf”
“I’m just a tall hobbit” are to name a few
And who could forget the famous chanting
that went “doo doo doo doo, doo doo”

So maybe you understand one or two
But surely not the whole lot
‘Cause inside jokes are between two friends
For instance, “Ninja Postbox”

I hope mentioning these nonsense words
Will trigger a memory inside
Otherwise saying “Gay bacon” right now
Will just seem unrequired

Or maybe I should create a stir
and simply say *Raises eyebrow*
‘Cause an inside joke will make you giggle
Or make you gasp and say “Hey Now…”

So yes I admit, the Rhymes are… bad,
And it might seem like Abstract Expressionism,
But it is “literally” impossible to find something that
fits with the phrase “Not a euphemism”

I’m running out of things to say now,
‘cause inside jokes are meant to stay inside
If you don’t like it then “Shut up, no-one asked your opinion”
This is “the panda stalker” saying goodbye


Hope you enjoyed it, I know I did :D
Kiki xx :3

The Final Year of School

ANOTHER post from Kiki??? Okay, maybe I am ill.

As I sit and wait for my interview
my mind begins to wander
I’m here for career advice
‘So what do I want?’ I ponder

I don’t want to think about the future
I don’t want to think about now
I want to go back when times were simpler,
Back before I had all these doubts

I don’t want to wonder if someone likes me
Nor keep secrets, nor hold my tongue
I want to let slip every little thing I know
I want to go back to just being young

I want to trace shapes in the sand
And fight over who got the bike
I want the teachers to ruffle our hair
And call us their little tykes

I want to play and chat with my friends
The ones only I can see
Back before they disappeared
Before they deserted me

I want to paint pictures again
That were hung upon the wall
And to be told that they were perfect
No matter how big or small

I want to feel the smile on my cheeks
That every infant possessed
The one that never faltered
Except when in protest

I miss those days of old
When trivial were the fights
When we neither knew nor cared
About the details of our plights

And now I have this crisis
And I don’t know where to turn
Do I give up trying?
Or do I stay and learn?

I don’t want to go to prom
And I don’t want to say goodbye
I could say I can’t wait for college
But that would simply be a lie

School is just way too hard
But the good grades, they could be nice
I can’t do this on my own,
Could you please give me some advice?

I think I’ve talked the ears off
Of anyone that will lend,
Because I’m simply just not ready
For this unexpected-