Questions on My Mind

So this is kind of hard for me to write, but I hope I’ll feel better once I have. I’m not sure exactly what it is, possibly between a poem and a letter, but hey, I don’t exactly fit in either.

Since the day that I first heard your name- back when I still had grazed knees, dungarees, and wonky pigtails- many questions sprung from the wells of my mind.
How tall were you?
Were you a nice person?
Would I ever meet you?
And most importantly of all-

Did you like ducks as much as I did?

For a while you became a way of encouragement, someone I was told about to make me try harder. You were a champion at roller-blading, fantastic at swimming and amazing at riding a bike. You were made out to be everything I aspired to become, and a marvel in my mind. Whether this be true, I later realised, I knew not.

You were always there but not there, constantly missing. How is it that I was so aware of someone who knew not of my existence? Caring about the affairs of someone who remained a mystery in my mind?
I learned no more for many years, and you slipped from prominence in my mind. Not quite remembered, but not yet forgotten.

Your name passed my lips after what felt like an era, one day whilst I was weaving the fabric of a fantasy tale. It appears that I had unwittingly created a figment of my imagination that matched your character. I asked yet more questions, this time from a different source, now I triumphed. A small victory, but nonetheless I held the small snatches of information like treasures in my palm. I now knew the date you were born; a day I would inwardly celebrate.

I imagined you having birthday parties; opening presents, blowing out the candles and making a wish. However, whenever I picture your face, a blank still remained.
I must have pictured your face a thousand different ways: Long hair, short hair, inky black hair, blonde hair, brown hair, ginger hair, dyed hair, blue eyes, green eyes, grey eyes, hazel eyes, small nose, big nose, round face, long face, freckles and dimples- each and every thought fluttered through my mind, but you never seemed real.

Now though, now, I’ve seen your face. I must have looked at your face so many times, until I was certain I would recognise every feature etched into it. It’s strange. Before you became apparent to me, I could have passed you in the street unknowingly. It is unlikely, but even so, the mere thought sends shivers down my spine. With the others, when I see a mark on their face, I can see the story behind it, hear the scream they made when it happened, and how proud they were when they retold the story on the playground. But with you, with you…I only see the scars that remain.

Maybe one day I’ll summon up the courage to speak to you, to make my existence known. Will you want to know me, or will I be a burden? Will I regret my decision? It’s a risk I must take one day, but that day is not today, nor tomorrow or the day after. After all, ignorance is bliss, and I feel that we both deserve our sweet little innocent ignorance for just a few more years. But one day, one day…

Who knows, perhaps one day we will become friends?
I think I’ll cling on to that hope and I won’t let go unless you tear it from me.

Some Thoughts on Homosexuality

There’s no doubt about it, this is a topic that always cause debates. But I’ve had enough now.

The first time I had a mini rage about this topic, was always being asked during truth or dare “How would you feel if your friend told you they were gay?” Well, I’d thank them for feeling that they could tell me, and I’d probably encourage them to come out properly. I would also squish anyone who bullied them, because you never make fun of someone for something they can’t change about themselves. I mean, of course I’m not an expert, and I’m not going to pretend to be one, but the vague idea is, even if a homosexual person wants to be straight, they physically cannot bring themselves to be attracted to the opposite gender, unless they are bisexual/pansexual, etc. The same goes for heterosexual people- how would you like it if society suddenly disapproved of heterosexuality and forced you to be gay instead? Because I know I would hate it.

But to get back to the original idea.

So I was watching TV, when a man on the programme I was watching complained about his wife making him continue to be friends with the next door neighbour. The reason he didn’t want to be friendly any more was because he had recently discovered that the neighbour was gay. He then went on to explain that he didn’t want his neighbour staring at him while they were in the changing rooms (they were lifting weights together before he found out).

Okay, so that made me angry.

Not only that, but afterwards, when I was just a little bit, possibly, maybe slightly peeved, I went to talk to some of the guys I know and they said they would do the same thing. 

I just asked one of my friends and he replied:

I wouldn’t mind as long as they don’t sexually assault me whilst i’m in the locker room

Okay, so what the hell makes you think they’d want to sexually abuse you?? Just because they’re attracted to your gender, does not mean that they’re attracted to you. Is your ego really so big that you think nobody can resist you?? That doesn’t just apply to homosexuals either. That is a rule of life.
Also, even if they are attracted to you, that doesn’t mean they have no self control. They aren’t just going to lunge at you, they’re humans- not animals.

Another one of my friends saw that I was writing this post, and added:

This is another friend (This one is gay):

There is nothing wrong with homosexuality. I think it is really offensive when people act differently around you just because you are gay. I have only told a handful of people about this. And the whole stigma around it is one of the huge reasons that people struggle to come out of the closet.

Yes Kiki. I am.

Well, all I have to say is I stand by my earlier comment. I’m so happy that you trusted me enough to tell me, and I’m not going to change my attitude towards you in the slightest. I won’t respect you any less, that’s a promise. You’re not my pet, and I’m not going to categorise you as ‘my gay friend’. I’ll simply keep you as one of my closest friends, and hopefully one day you’ll feel confident enough to tell everyone. I understand how intimidating that could be, even though I’m not in that position myself, so don’t feel like I’m pressuring you in any way. xx 

My only advice would be- once you decide you’re going to come out of the closet, don’t let anyone else shove you back in. Because you have a right to be yourself, and there is no-one on this earth that has the right to tell you otherwise. Just remember, they can’t change who you are unless you let them.

And maybe try telling someone you trust? You don’t have to tell everyone all at once. x

Well, I think this is all I have to say on the matter for now, so feel free to leave your comments and express your opinions- do you agree? do you disagree? 

Lots of love and cookies,

Kiki :3 xx

Read Later Fast

Hey guys, so I wanted to tell you about an app called Read Later Fast. It’s a google chrome app (Although It’s probably also an app for your phone/tablet/other device that will probably take over the world one day) (apparently the URL is chrome-extension://decdfngdidijkdjgbknlnepdljfaepji/main.html … but I doubt it will work) where you can save a webpage to read later. It probably doesn’t sound like much, but you can archive the pages you’ve read, sync it up to your gmail/facebook/twitter, and even read what you’ve saved while you’re offline. 

As someone who once went two years without internet on her laptop whenever she went home, I can tell you that it is extremely useful.

I also wanted to tell you about my friend Tilly. (this is related- oh and her URL is http://mathildawainwright.wordpress.com/author/tillywainwright/, you should definitely click that little follow button)

See, a while ago, Tilly accidentally deleted her blog. Everything she had worked so hard on, all of the followers she earned, all just gone, vanished, kaput. The upset me because Tilly’s blog posts are amazing. So then,I found this app after looking for a way to screenshot webpages, but it means that I can save every blog post I write, or Tilly’s, or Callum’s, or any other bloggers’ posts, and all I have to do is right-click and press ‘Read Later’. They’ll be saved there in case one day a blogger I love decided to delete their blog, and then I’ll still be ale to read my favourite posts whenever I like. :)

Anyway, there will be another blog post later, but I thought you guys might want to know about this magical app that could save so much time and effort- I hope it comes in handy!

Love and cookies,
Kiki :3 xx

Memories

It’s strange how steadily you can get used to something
and you think back to how it was before
but was it really there at all?
was it a memory?
or simply a dream?

you try to talk about the past with other people,
but the two stories don’t match up at all.
you feel as if something’s missing,
where has it vanished to?
You feel incomplete,

As remembering the past will always define us,
and it will shape us towards our future.
so what do we do without it?
the memory is vague,
the photo is hazy.

it’s odd how the memories you think of most transform,
and yet things we can’t remember are safe.
they’re left unspoiled in our minds,
locked away forever,
until we perish.

what happens to our memories when we die?
are they gathered or  Do they float away?
do they wither and die with us?
can others still see them?
will they grow fainter?

I think that they are preserved in the minds of others,
the people who cherish and remember.
although the memory will change,
it will become sweeter,
forever alive.

It’s strange how steadily you can get used to something,
and you think back to how it was before.
it may have changed since it was born,
it’s still a memory,
and now it’s a dream.

Canvases

we are all born as desolate canvases
purer than fresh water, blank
our finished portraits determined by others,
for they are the artists

and they hold the brushes that control the paint
the words that can stain our souls
and yet they can just as easily cleanse us
removing the blotches

compliments are subtle highlights, pale shades
they are layered to appear
but negativity is a black splatter
it will smother all else

once there, almost impossible to cover
casting it’s sinister tone
you think the painting is ruined forever,
but then the paint dries out

you are now able to cover the black smear
with the help of your loved ones
and together you can make a masterpiece
an array of colour

and although the black paint is still underneath
it is forgotten about
we are all born as desolate canvases
we end as full portraits

Dad.

 

Cradle me with your iron-tight grip,
fearful that out of your arms I’ll slip,

Hold my hands as I learn to walk,
Teach me new words when I try to talk,

Dance with me trying to stand on your feet
or sitting on your shoulders, as we walk along the street

Teach me to sing, and get the words wrong
fill up my ears with the same annoying song,

Bake cakes and cookies with me just for fun,
burn your mouth biting into the first one

play along when I’m a fairy, casting magic spells
come into school with me for parent show and tell

sweep my fringe around behind my ear,
chase away all of my nightmares and fears

Embarrass me in public by holding my hand,
make fun of my music, and liking new bands

Tuck me into bed at the end of the day
Though we both know I’m too old, we choose not to say

Tell me you love me as you whisper goodnight,
Pull the door closed and turn off the light.

These are the things I want in a dad,
And yet these are the things I never had

- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -

Sorry it’s so depressing guys :(
I hope you all had a good Father’s day anyway xx

 

Sunny Skies & Stormy Seas

I suppose I never dreamed
that I would find
someone that understood
me.

But you.
You were different
You gave me that smile.
that honest, open, cheeky smile.

you looked me in the eye when we first met,
and you saw me.
and that’s when I knew,
that we’d be friends.

I try to avoid your eyes,
Because they make me squirm,
bright and shining, as clear as a pool of glass
and yet as deep as the rolling waves

But I find myself getting pulled in,
I get lost and can’t seem
nor am I willing
to stumble out again

You play many instruments,
too many to list
but you’re especially good at
tugging on my heartstrings

crafting music that
wraps around my head
that makes everything seem clear
and yet opaque, as if a fog

had clouded over my brain
and misted my eyes
letting the tears drip down
like a waterfall on my face

I cry for you.
And yet there is no way
I’d let the springs run dry.
Because I care.

Now, when I take the risk,
and look into the sapphires
that are your eyes,
I see storms approaching

Inevitable
no matter what I do
The thunder rumbles on
The lightening strikes soon after,

it terrifies me,
but all I can do is cling onto land
and pray that
I don’t lose you in the flood

I know you’ve cried an ocean of tears yourself
drowning yourself in your own sorrows
I know you’ve lost your only life-raft
but one day you can build another

Until then I’ll help you swim to shore
and although I’ve half-drowned myself in the process
All I know, is that if I’m going sink,
I’m lifting you until I know you’re safe

Because I may not be your life-raft,
But I’ll rescue you from the storm
I’ll stay with you through this one
and I’ll protect you through all the others

One day the skies will clear
And become a pale blue,
But that’s when I know to look away from your eyes,
and from the blinding sunshine that is you.