The Fringes of Friendship

Have you ever had a friend
that you loved more than your family,
but you were certain it was
one sided?

Have you ever had a friend
that you think of whenever someone asks you
who your favourite is, but you know that
your name won’t flash across their mind?

Have you ever had a friend
that you never get bored talking to
although you feel like you’re
bothering them?

Have you ever had a friend
who you want to hug and never let go
even though with them it’s
out of sight out of mind

Had you ever had a friend
that despite all the pain they put you through
you love them more than
anything.

Because I have.
I’ve had that friend.
But you know what?
I’m okay with it.

No Longer Nerimon

So, for a while now, there’s been a couple of changes about YouTube. Videos of a more mature nature are appearing, about sex and consent; YouTubers seem to be withdrawing from their audiences and making their lives more personal; and Alex Day no longer makes YouTube videos.

A few months ago, a scandal came to surface about a few certain YouTubers sexually assaulting women. So why am I making a post about it now?

Well, when I tried to form an opinion before now, I couldn’t quite convey the emotions I was feeling properly, and people misunderstood what I was trying to say. I was sent horrible messages for weeks on end, from people I didn’t know, telling me I was sick, twisted, and that I supported rape. So I thought I would wait for the dust to settle before attempting, again, to get my point across. Of course, this might stir everything up again, but one can only hope that you will understand- and I don’t have that many followers anyway.

Okay, First of all: I don’t in any way shape or form, support rape. the mere word alone fills me with a dark twist in my stomach. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry until I can cry no more. 

Secondly- and this is where everybody jumps to conclusions so hear me out- I probably won’t stop listening to Alex’s music. I’ve tried to stop, but then suddenly I’m singing it or whistling it or it comes onto my shuffle. I’ve been listening to Alex’s music since I was just turning 13- everything I remember about being a teenager so far involves watching his video or listening to his song. For crying out loud, I have a money jar with every bit of change I could spare, so I could save up and buy all of the Lifescouts badges I’ve earned at once. I know, I know, it’s not the same as before, everything has change but even so, I can’t seem to help it. I’ve been growing up with it for the past three years, it’s hard to cut it out of my life when I associate it with home. 

I don’t know whether anyone else will understand this, but when you get into a routine, for example, watching one video every day, it’s hard to get out of. It was like he was speaking to me, and honestly, I freaking loved Alex like you’d love a friend or a brother. It’s strange really, considering the fact that I’ve never met him for real and he has no idea that I exist. 
So when I found out about all of this, I felt so, so, sick. I swear my stomach dropped and I felt like crying. I hated what he did so much, but I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. 

I swear though, I’m not enjoying it. In the midst of the scandal, I was starting a final piece- of Alex. 
I just wanted to stop and change my entire project, but by then it was too late. I felt horrible, spending hours creating a painting I knew I would be hated for.

He was my freaking idol. I looked up to him, I wanted to be just like him. 

Do you know what the worst part is? Even now, even now, I’m still wondering what he’s doing. He’s stopped using his account; has he got a new one or has he stopped using YouTube? Does he still use all of his personal accounts or is he steering clear of the internet altogether? Is he depressed or is he moving on?

Anyway, my advice would be don’t have living idols. Stick to people like Marie Curie or Martin Luther King. Jr.

It’s just simpler.

Love and cookies,
Kiki xx :3

Questions on My Mind

So this is kind of hard for me to write, but I hope I’ll feel better once I have. I’m not sure exactly what it is, possibly between a poem and a letter, but hey, I don’t exactly fit in either.

Since the day that I first heard your name- back when I still had grazed knees, dungarees, and wonky pigtails- many questions sprung from the wells of my mind.
How tall were you?
Were you a nice person?
Would I ever meet you?
And most importantly of all-

Did you like ducks as much as I did?

For a while you became a way of encouragement, someone I was told about to make me try harder. You were a champion at roller-blading, fantastic at swimming and amazing at riding a bike. You were made out to be everything I aspired to become, and a marvel in my mind. Whether this be true, I later realised, I knew not.

You were always there but not there, constantly missing. How is it that I was so aware of someone who knew not of my existence? Caring about the affairs of someone who remained a mystery in my mind?
I learned no more for many years, and you slipped from prominence in my mind. Not quite remembered, but not yet forgotten.

Your name passed my lips after what felt like an era, one day whilst I was weaving the fabric of a fantasy tale. It appears that I had unwittingly created a figment of my imagination that matched your character. I asked yet more questions, this time from a different source, now I triumphed. A small victory, but nonetheless I held the small snatches of information like treasures in my palm. I now knew the date you were born; a day I would inwardly celebrate.

I imagined you having birthday parties; opening presents, blowing out the candles and making a wish. However, whenever I picture your face, a blank still remained.
I must have pictured your face a thousand different ways: Long hair, short hair, inky black hair, blonde hair, brown hair, ginger hair, dyed hair, blue eyes, green eyes, grey eyes, hazel eyes, small nose, big nose, round face, long face, freckles and dimples- each and every thought fluttered through my mind, but you never seemed real.

Now though, now, I’ve seen your face. I must have looked at your face so many times, until I was certain I would recognise every feature etched into it. It’s strange. Before you became apparent to me, I could have passed you in the street unknowingly. It is unlikely, but even so, the mere thought sends shivers down my spine. With the others, when I see a mark on their face, I can see the story behind it, hear the scream they made when it happened, and how proud they were when they retold the story on the playground. But with you, with you…I only see the scars that remain.

Maybe one day I’ll summon up the courage to speak to you, to make my existence known. Will you want to know me, or will I be a burden? Will I regret my decision? It’s a risk I must take one day, but that day is not today, nor tomorrow or the day after. After all, ignorance is bliss, and I feel that we both deserve our sweet little innocent ignorance for just a few more years. But one day, one day…

Who knows, perhaps one day we will become friends?
I think I’ll cling on to that hope and I won’t let go unless you tear it from me.

Some Thoughts on Homosexuality

There’s no doubt about it, this is a topic that always cause debates. But I’ve had enough now.

The first time I had a mini rage about this topic, was always being asked during truth or dare “How would you feel if your friend told you they were gay?” Well, I’d thank them for feeling that they could tell me, and I’d probably encourage them to come out properly. I would also squish anyone who bullied them, because you never make fun of someone for something they can’t change about themselves. I mean, of course I’m not an expert, and I’m not going to pretend to be one, but the vague idea is, even if a homosexual person wants to be straight, they physically cannot bring themselves to be attracted to the opposite gender, unless they are bisexual/pansexual, etc. The same goes for heterosexual people- how would you like it if society suddenly disapproved of heterosexuality and forced you to be gay instead? Because I know I would hate it.

But to get back to the original idea.

So I was watching TV, when a man on the programme I was watching complained about his wife making him continue to be friends with the next door neighbour. The reason he didn’t want to be friendly any more was because he had recently discovered that the neighbour was gay. He then went on to explain that he didn’t want his neighbour staring at him while they were in the changing rooms (they were lifting weights together before he found out).

Okay, so that made me angry.

Not only that, but afterwards, when I was just a little bit, possibly, maybe slightly peeved, I went to talk to some of the guys I know and they said they would do the same thing. 

I just asked one of my friends and he replied:

I wouldn’t mind as long as they don’t sexually assault me whilst i’m in the locker room

Okay, so what the hell makes you think they’d want to sexually abuse you?? Just because they’re attracted to your gender, does not mean that they’re attracted to you. Is your ego really so big that you think nobody can resist you?? That doesn’t just apply to homosexuals either. That is a rule of life.
Also, even if they are attracted to you, that doesn’t mean they have no self control. They aren’t just going to lunge at you, they’re humans- not animals.

Another one of my friends saw that I was writing this post, and added:

This is another friend (This one is gay):

There is nothing wrong with homosexuality. I think it is really offensive when people act differently around you just because you are gay. I have only told a handful of people about this. And the whole stigma around it is one of the huge reasons that people struggle to come out of the closet.

Yes Kiki. I am.

Well, all I have to say is I stand by my earlier comment. I’m so happy that you trusted me enough to tell me, and I’m not going to change my attitude towards you in the slightest. I won’t respect you any less, that’s a promise. You’re not my pet, and I’m not going to categorise you as ‘my gay friend’. I’ll simply keep you as one of my closest friends, and hopefully one day you’ll feel confident enough to tell everyone. I understand how intimidating that could be, even though I’m not in that position myself, so don’t feel like I’m pressuring you in any way. xx 

My only advice would be- once you decide you’re going to come out of the closet, don’t let anyone else shove you back in. Because you have a right to be yourself, and there is no-one on this earth that has the right to tell you otherwise. Just remember, they can’t change who you are unless you let them.

And maybe try telling someone you trust? You don’t have to tell everyone all at once. x

Well, I think this is all I have to say on the matter for now, so feel free to leave your comments and express your opinions- do you agree? do you disagree? 

Lots of love and cookies,

Kiki :3 xx

Read Later Fast

Hey guys, so I wanted to tell you about an app called Read Later Fast. It’s a google chrome app (Although It’s probably also an app for your phone/tablet/other device that will probably take over the world one day) (apparently the URL is chrome-extension://decdfngdidijkdjgbknlnepdljfaepji/main.html … but I doubt it will work) where you can save a webpage to read later. It probably doesn’t sound like much, but you can archive the pages you’ve read, sync it up to your gmail/facebook/twitter, and even read what you’ve saved while you’re offline. 

As someone who once went two years without internet on her laptop whenever she went home, I can tell you that it is extremely useful.

I also wanted to tell you about my friend Tilly. (this is related- oh and her URL is http://mathildawainwright.wordpress.com/author/tillywainwright/, you should definitely click that little follow button)

See, a while ago, Tilly accidentally deleted her blog. Everything she had worked so hard on, all of the followers she earned, all just gone, vanished, kaput. The upset me because Tilly’s blog posts are amazing. So then,I found this app after looking for a way to screenshot webpages, but it means that I can save every blog post I write, or Tilly’s, or Callum’s, or any other bloggers’ posts, and all I have to do is right-click and press ‘Read Later’. They’ll be saved there in case one day a blogger I love decided to delete their blog, and then I’ll still be ale to read my favourite posts whenever I like. :)

Anyway, there will be another blog post later, but I thought you guys might want to know about this magical app that could save so much time and effort- I hope it comes in handy!

Love and cookies,
Kiki :3 xx

Memories

It’s strange how steadily you can get used to something
and you think back to how it was before
but was it really there at all?
was it a memory?
or simply a dream?

you try to talk about the past with other people,
but the two stories don’t match up at all.
you feel as if something’s missing,
where has it vanished to?
You feel incomplete,

As remembering the past will always define us,
and it will shape us towards our future.
so what do we do without it?
the memory is vague,
the photo is hazy.

it’s odd how the memories you think of most transform,
and yet things we can’t remember are safe.
they’re left unspoiled in our minds,
locked away forever,
until we perish.

what happens to our memories when we die?
are they gathered or  Do they float away?
do they wither and die with us?
can others still see them?
will they grow fainter?

I think that they are preserved in the minds of others,
the people who cherish and remember.
although the memory will change,
it will become sweeter,
forever alive.

It’s strange how steadily you can get used to something,
and you think back to how it was before.
it may have changed since it was born,
it’s still a memory,
and now it’s a dream.

Canvases

we are all born as desolate canvases
purer than fresh water, blank
our finished portraits determined by others,
for they are the artists

and they hold the brushes that control the paint
the words that can stain our souls
and yet they can just as easily cleanse us
removing the blotches

compliments are subtle highlights, pale shades
they are layered to appear
but negativity is a black splatter
it will smother all else

once there, almost impossible to cover
casting it’s sinister tone
you think the painting is ruined forever,
but then the paint dries out

you are now able to cover the black smear
with the help of your loved ones
and together you can make a masterpiece
an array of colour

and although the black paint is still underneath
it is forgotten about
we are all born as desolate canvases
we end as full portraits